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I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

Moments of clarity?


One moment, I’m fine, telling myself that I can do this on my own, that I’m better off without him. Without all the uncertainty and doubt, wondering when he’ll next be online, or why he’s ignoring me, and taking so long before replying to anything, when I clearly reply ASAP.

And in the next I’m feeling sad and agitated again, mostly toward him. We haven’t spoken since some time last week, where he texted me telling me that he was sorry. Bullshit! That’s all I have to say about that. 

He said he wanted us to be friends rather than strangers again, and I agreed, because I want him to still be a part of my life. But he screwed it up, again. He’s all talk, and no action. 

I’m angry with him, there’s so many times where I have to stop myself from picking up my phone and sending him a text where I express all my anger toward him, but where would that get me? Nowhere.

I’m not used to being completely on my own, because there’s only so much that I feel comfortable sharing with my mum. But hopefully there’ll be a psychiatrist available for me soon. 

To be completely honest, I’m not sure what else I can write about at the moment, I’m a bit lost. 

Also, I want to apologise for my latest posts, I was in a really dark place. I do not want to die anymore(I think), I just really need help. But its hard getting the door slammed into your face repeatedly, especially when you’re openly asking for help.

But I just have to keep telling myself that I’ll be fine, and some day, maybe I will be?

Hopeless.


These last days I’ve just been feeling sort of numb most of the time, with the occasional energy boost, and then being really tired. It’s exhausting to be completely honest.

I have this pain in between where my ribs meet, an emotional pain which has been present for as long as I can remember, and It’s like its draining me for energy.

I just feel like nothing I write now, no matter what it is, it just does not matter, its just not important or interesting enough.

I really hate feeling like this, like I’m alive, but that’s about it. I can’t really explain it well enough for you guys to understand. I simply cannot do anything today.

A few days ago I read though some of my old posts, and found myself wanting to be that bad again, cut myself up so bad and start it all over again. Why you ask? I guess it could be my self destructive side trying to do more damage, to make me feel more pain, wanting me to go back to where I was.

Gah I just feel hopeless, and what I’m writing isn’t very interesting, not that I think I could write more even if I tried..