Dazed and confused?


I’m pregnant; again.

Well I’m due in about three months, so it’s not exactly ground breaking news to the people around me, or for anyone with a pair of oogling eyes.

I’m about as comfortable as you’d expect at 27 weeks. Don’t even mention the possible depression and anxiety on top of it.

I was convinced that this time, this time i’d gotten rid of it for good, this time would be different. But now? Now I’m not so sure.

I’m angry a lot. Every little thing gets to me; hormones aside..  And it hurts being this angry.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it either. All my fears and insecurities. Don’t even get me started on all my irrational constant negative thoughts..  “Why bother; no one’s going to understand anyway..” has become my mental mantra. The only difference is that this time I’m too weak to speak up against it.

It’s depressing as hell. It’s excruciatingly painful.  And did i mention, that every little thing makes me want to punch a hole through the wall? I. Hate. This.

Who the hell wants to listen to what I have to say? Who will want to hear about all my confusion, frustration and desperation?  To listen to my ever confusing thoughts?

What if this baby comes early as well? What if if delivery breaks me, both mentally and physically? What if I don’t feel safe? What if I can’t feel that I love my own child, again?

What if I get post partum depression again?

Sure I love my oldest, now. It took me a little over a year to actually feel that I love him.. And the truth is, it still hurts.

I’m sure it was painful for the both of us.

I know my anger is painful for the both of us.

It makes me wonder if the decision of a second child was the right one. I’m so scared of screwing my kids up, just like my parents, my family, did with me.

I’m putting my fiancé through hell, but I don’t know how to stop. God knows I want to. I just don’t know how to do it.

I want out.  I want to be selfish, but I can’t. And deep down? I know that it’s just my mental state speaking.  I wish someone understood. I wish someone got where I’m coming from.

I can’t put up the bed, I can’t pack my bag for the hospital, I can barely touch the baby clothes.  My first instinct is to just push past, put it behind me.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

At first, yes. In the long run? Nope. It’s all catching up with me now, slowly and all at once..  I don’t know how to deal with any of this.

I’m hurting.  I don’t want to sleep. I feel alone. I wish someone knew..

I’m falling apart..

please,

help..?

Advertisements

I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

Ambivalence


It’s closing in. The time of year that I dread the most, yet the seasons I completely adore.

My birthday and Christmas. Autumn and winter.

I really cannot stand my birthday, it makes me feel even more lonely and miserable, and let’s not forget agitated and oh so irritable.
Christmas even more so.

As I believe I’ve talked about before, I do not have any contact with my father, nor do I wish to. But at the same time, I do.
I don’t like to admit that I miss him, but I can’t help but feel that way. I want us to have a more or less “normal” father and daughter relationship, but I know that it’s much too late for that.
Too much has happened between us, nor have we ever had a proper relationship. It’s always been based on fear and shouting. Yes, I was afraid of my own father. His way of getting respect was/is(?) fright.

But now? All the fright is gone, and now, anger has taken its place.

I hate Christmas and all the other holidays that are supposed to bring families together, because it just makes me feel lonely and out of place, like I’m on the outside looking in. It just makes me feel even more miserable.

I really do not like this time of year, yet there are parts of it I just cannot help but love.

Autumn; the leaves turning yellow, red, brown, all those beautiful colours being spread all over, making the world suddenly seem just a little more beautiful. It makes me smile just watching those oh so colourful leaves fall from the trees, transforming the world.

And then there’s winter, usually turning the whole world into something white and sparkly, leaving me in awe every single time. It lights up the world in its own unique way, making the darkness of night seem just a little bit brighter.
It removes those seemingly dangerous shadows, making everything silent and peaceful.

But I have to admit, I do in fact Love one thing about the time just before Christmas, the lights and decorations outside together with the snow, the Christmassy feeling and the little tug of joy you get from just watching it.

So this time of year makes me quite ambivalent, which is quite understandable, right?

Tomorrow will be my third session with my new therapist, I still get nervous about going there, but that I guess is just because it’s still so new. We are still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase, and establishing trust and boundaries. But so far it’s going just fine. Just a little too much focus on my family at the moment in the sessions, but maybe that’s just part of it?

20131020-194800.jpg

Tense.


The situation is rather tense at home. It makes it almost unbearable to be downstairs anymore. My step dad is pissed, and holds a grudge forever.
Last weekend we had my niece and nephew over from Saturday to Sunday, and that was fair enough. But the day before, mum asked step dad if he was okay with having them over, and she did not get a real answer from him, so she said yes to babysit them. And that pissed him off beyond belief. And now, a week later, he’s still pissy with her. He’s like a child!
I can’t stand being around him anymore, I’m on my toes every second of the day, trying my best not to make him explode. I’m not speaking much to him at all to be honest. But if he as much tries to say something bad to me, or I feel like I’m being stepped on, I explode.
He’s always like this, and I wish that he would stop taking his bad mood out on us. I’d want nothing more than be able to kick him out for good, or move. But I can’t do either of those things, simply because my little brother, because if my step dad ever made reality if his threats, to move, my little brother would be devastated. And I can’t move out simply because its too damn expensive.
It’s not all bad at home, only 90% of the time, when he’s in a good mood. But that never lasts for long before he throws a fit over nothing.
I’m sure he would like me to respect him, but he needs to learn that to gain my respect, he needs to show me, and everyone else the respect that they deserve, and treat others better.
He’s manipulative, and if he’s in a bad mood, and some friends of his or whatever, comes to visit, he’s all smiles and sunshine. But if its my mum whose “wronged” him, he talks to his friends, and his friends only.
He’s either the silent treatment type, or raging and yelling.
If something bothers him, he doesn’t say it straight away, he keeps building up his irritation, and when we least expect it, he blows up.

It may not sound so bad to you guys out there, but it’s taking its toll on not only me, but my mum as well, mentally. The way he keeps me constantly on my toes is really triggering my anxiety. And I’m so sick of it.

I hate how love makes you just accept things, and turn blind. I want him out, and I want it now. We’d be better off without him.
But there’s nothing I can do but endure it the best I can.

Probably a confusing post yet again, but I’m in a confused mood, so it affects my writing greatly.

I am the type to insert my feelings into what I write, and hopefully that will make people more aware of the feelings related to this post.

To all women and men out there, don’t let your better half or anyone else step on you!
Nothing pisses me off more than to be stepped on, or watching others be treated like that.

Stand up for yourself!!!

Parents. What NOT to do.


As most of you out there know, my parents aka my mum and step dad, and me have had some issues when it comes to handle my illness. They kept saying that they wanted more information, someone who’d tell them what to do and what not to do. And that is fair enough.

But, when I tried reaching out, and told them what NOT to do, they bluntly refused to listen. Saying that what I was saying, didnt make any sense. This was more than a year ago, and it still angers me.

When I was harming myself, they would punish me by taking away the internet for a month or more(!), which really upset me because it took away the opportunity to talk to the one person who had helped me the most. Who helped me get through every day. Someone I desperately needed to talk to. And they knew this, but still did it.

I tried telling them, my therapist tried telling them that it was not the right way to deal with things by punishing me, because I already was punishing myself enough as it was, I did not need more stuff to bring me down.

Another thing which truly and utterly angered me was that when I was hospitalized, both of the times, my mother would call everyone in my family to tell them about it. I felt so ashamed. She never asked me if that was okay, she just went out and did it, without my consent. And when I confronted her about it, she just slammed “They have a right to know, and I have the right to tell them.” In my face. 

If I ever wanted that to come out, I would’ve liked to do it myself. And only tell the people whom I trusted. But that right was stripped from me.

The reason I’m writing about all of this is because I had a discussion with mum about some of this today, she didn’t know, and still doesn’t know that I was and am hurt by her words.

We were talking about a woman from work, simple small chat, and then we talked about her daughter, which is younger than me and struggles with the same issues as me, fair enough, but then my mum said that she’s been really struggling since she was about eight years old, and that her problems were the same as mine, times ten!

Way to go mum. Making me feel soooo much better. Smearing it into my face and making me feel like I’m not struggling enough, that I’m not ill enough or messed up enough.

She doesnt know that a part of me wants to get worse, and worse and worse. 

And she makes me feel like I’m not messed up enough. That I cant even do that right. Even though I’m not trying to get worse, that Im aware of anyways.

It’s a sick and twisted mind set i know.

Another part of me sees that she was maybe trying to make me see how strong I am, and how far I’ve gotten. But I just cannot accept that.

Its like, when my self harming was still going strong, I was happy with the damage I’d done, until I saw someone or a picture of someone with worse damage done than me. It made me feel like I wasnt even doing that well enough. Like a competition of some sort, but with myself.

My wounds had to be wide, and bleed a lot for me to be somewhat happy with the damage, and if they weren’t, I’d be upset and ashamed.

I seem to have gotten somewhat off the topic, but I hope you’ll forgive me.

Another thing I would like to say to all of you out there reading my blog, if you have a child, or have one in the future, that has problems with self injury, don’t punish them, ask them what not to do. They may not know what they want you to do, but I bet that most of them have a pretty good idea of what you shouldn’t do.

Get as much information as you can about what to do from health professionals, most of them might have a good idea about what to do, and tell worried parents.

I for one, did not have a health professional who gave the info that my parents needed. And see where that got me? Misunderstandings times ten!

Confusing post, but in a confused mood. Please bear with me.

Image