I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

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So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Missing someone you really should not miss..


I miss my dad, and it hurts, its confusing, its everything.

I really cannot afford missing him!

It only brings pain and disappointment if I give in to my feelings.

Me and my dad have never ever had what you call a “normal” father-daughter relationship. Not ever. There’s always been feelings of fear and disappointment from as far back as I can ever remember.

And I know that as long as he’s together with his girlfriend, or whatever it is, I cannot afford contacting him, no matter how much I’d like to do that.

Everyone tells me that since I’m now eighteen, I can do it on my terms. But what they dont understand is that its just not that simple. When I’ve been in contact with him before, ive always been a tad weary(if thats the right way to spell it.) But I always got my hopes up, yet they always, always came crashing down. I got disappointment and pain.

And I’ve realized that there’s no room for me in his life, and I’m sure he’s realized that as well.

His girlfriend cannot stand me, and those feelings are mutual from my side as well.

I even gave him a chance about a month ago. He randomly dropped by my granparents house whilst I was there, and naturally they asked me wither it was okay that they let him in, and I didnt really mind. And before he left, I asked wither he could come back after he had drove his girlfriend and her son back home, since they were apparently down with the flu. But she was not, that was all a lie! I saw her from the window, and when she spotted me, she rushed back into the car. Message received.   

Anyhow, I asked if he could come back after dropping them off, I reached out, but got rejection slammed in my face. He couldnt, jsut couldn’t, even though he had no other plans but to get home.

I have no need, nor do I want to clear the air between me and her. She’s just one of those few people you meet that you just dont like. I actually never have, but I tried to like her, in the past. But when you dont like someone, you just don’t. And I do not want to change it to be completely honest.

Everyone, including me, suspects that she’s the one in charge over there, making it so that me and my dad cannot have a relationship at all.

But who knows.

Fear of vomiting.


Yup, that’s me. And right now It’s really bad.

The last two times that I’ve worked the morning shift at my current job, I’ve been feeling ill and vomited. Even though those two shifts were rather far apart, it happened both times, and I am really anxious because I am working the morning shift tomorrow and friday, but right now I’m just worried about tomorrow (monday).

I really do not know what to do. I’m actually tempted to skip work tomorrow because of it, even though I know that I can’t, and won’t.

It’s quite a big issue for me to be honest.

Even when someone says that they’re feeling ill at home, I flee the house out of fear of them vomiting and then passing it on to me.

I simply just hate vomiting, and I hate the fact that I’m afraid of it.

 

 

Control?


It’s strange, how things work out, how they affect you.

Like, if I don’t have a session with my therapist in weeks, everything goes downhill, and in the worst cases, I turn suicidal and things like that. And now, I’ve started with TFT, as I’ve said in previous posts. And what we’re focusing on is my eating, because it seems to me that I may be sort of scared of food. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyhow, my point is that when I have session, and after a session, I’m able to not be so conscious about what I eat and how much and things like that, but if I don’t have a session in a long time, I go back to my old habits. Eating gets more difficult, I don’t eat if I’m hungry, and only eat a little amount of food twice a day, sometimes once.  I’m scared of eating too much, having too many meals.

It’s strange, because a part of me wants to not eat, and I’m guessing that’s my anxiety mixed with self destruction. Like it’s a replacement for my harming. I don’t really know, but that’s what I’m guessing it is.

I don’t know how people can force themselves to eat when your mind tells you not to, that you do not want food.

I do not want to eat, but still I do. Why?  My reason is that I lack self control.

I cannot control anything in my life, nor make decisions on my own. And eating, that’s something I can control. But yet, I fail at it. Again, and again, and again.

What I’ve had today is, my vitamins, a glass of milk, some fizzy drink, some chocolate, dinner; a potato, one carrot, and some bites of sausage. And a little rice pudding.   Seeing it like this is so overwhelming. It’s so much. Too much.

Yet I know that it’s not. But my mind wont realize it, won’t believe it.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But the real question is, do I want to?

I’m never doing anything for myself, I just can’t. So I’m trying because of my boyfriend, because it worries him so much. But at the same time, I can’t take myself seriously, I don’t see that I have a problem with food, because it swings so much. How can I have a problem with food when I still eat?

When I eat, and smell or see food after, I feel sick. I just want to get away from it. It feels more like disgust than anxiety, but I don’t know anymore.

I just have my mind telling me that I do not want food, that I do not want to eat.

I just don’t know what to do.

So terribly insecure.


And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.

asdfghjkl

I’m so confused and torn right now.

Behind the mask.


Written 2pm

Many people would refer to me as strong, but the truth is that I’m not, I’m a coward. Every time I face a problem I don’t know how to handle, I push it away, when people cause problems, I push them away.

I don’t know why, but that’s what I do. I know I’m only stalling things, pushing them under a carpet, trying to forget that they’re there, but somewhere along the line they will come back up to the surface, and I’ll be forced to deal with them.

I face a problem, I think it through, trying to find solutions, and if I don’t find one, I put them on storage, shove them away.

It’s like the quote; Out of sight, out of mind

But even then the things that’s out of sight come back, like when you’re cleaning your room, you put one thing away, and forget where you put it, but sooner or later you’ll find it.

I’ve been at home today, was supposed to be working in a kindergarten until Thursday, but for some reason I don’t want to, all I want to do is sleep, escape from everything, all my worries, problems, things I have to face.

Like, if I don’t go to kindergarten this week, I’d have to come up with a reason, an explanation to my teachers, then I won’t be able to write the log for those days, which means  that the presentation I’m supposed to have on Tuesday about it will fail.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I could just go crawl under a rock, and stay there until it’s all over, because I don’t know how to handle it.

I’m falling behind at school, not because I’m lazy, but because I don’t have any concentration to get any of it done, barely even start on something. I have to push myself to get anything done really.

I also have to send in my application for my 2nd year of college on another school, with brand new people.  It’s due 1st of March, so I have to hurry up and do it.

At the start of my college year I managed to get stuff done, but now it’s starting to look very similar to how 9th grade started, and to be honest I don’t remember much of that year, I pretty much just sat there pretending to pay attention while my head was somewhere else.

Every time some of the old symptoms come back, I get scared; I don’t want to fall back into that hole, because what if I can’t manage to get up again?

I know I need to encourage myself to keep going, start working, but I don’t know how, I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that, what’s the point, I’ll fail anyway.

It’s like everything has started to slip through my fingers again.

It might seem like I’ve got everything under control, but the truth is, everything’s a big mess, and all I can do is pretend that I do, and keep a straight face.

I’ve been told I seem so confident, sure of myself, but if they only knew..

Encourage others is easy, but encourage myself? Mission impossible.

Why do I try, when I’m destined to fail?

Bekka – InsideOut

xx