I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

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Dilemma.


What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

asdfghjkl… I’m so confused.


I was in a pretty bad place yesterday, and if I worried anyone, I apologize for that.

I actually considered taking my previous post down, simply because I felt/feel ashamed of how I was. But I can’t say that I didn’t mean what I wrote, because I do.

I just have those times where I get so stuck in a feeling that I cannot get out of it before it has reached its limit and started to slowly fade away. When I’m like that, nothing can reach out to me, no matter how much sense it may make, if my feelings tell me something else, no matter how twisted, I’m forced to believe that, because that is what feels right to me.

Ever since I started talking about it, my mum has told me that my self destructive side is not me, so I started to believe that I had one good part and one bad. In the beginning I had three, one positive and sensible, on negative and destructive, and then me. Crazy huh?

Yeah that mind set or what to call it has really messed things up for me. I get so easily confused because my feelings and thoughts just does not match at all, and for a while now, my thoughts and sense are controlled by my emotions. It’s like I don’t control any of it.

I trust my feelings more than anything, but I haven’t figured out if that’s a good thing yet.

At the time I’m so confused and torn about everything really.

 

It’s all inside my head.


That’s basically where all the shit starts, in your own mind, created by yourself. But we’re just merely humans, and I guess we’re just supposed to be that complicated?

I have been told numerous of times exactly that ” it’s all in your head”.  And I can’t deny the fact that it’s true. But it’s something each and every one of us has to find out how to work on, to figure out the triggers, what you’re afraid of and what, and all the other things that come with that, and in the end, you get to the cause of the problem, maybe even the main problem as well.

No, it’s not easy at all, but for us to be able to move on, we have to do so. It’s hard, exhausting, might bring you on the edge, you want to give up, but you can’t. You know why? Because then all your efforts and progress will be for nothing.

I think I’m one of many who wish they could just open their mind and grab a problem, instead of using ages to find it, find the cause, or what it is you do. Grabbing a problem, and looking into it, like a  book.

But sadly life isn’t like that, and so far as we know, we humans don’t work like that.

Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and who knows what. It’s all in your head. 

I, myself react very strongly to this phrase, it makes me, angry? Annoyed? I’m not sure, but it brings out feelings in me, even though I know that it’s true, I still have my mind struggling to accept it(?)

Our minds are a strange place, it’s endless, you can lose yourself in it, get stuck, drown in confusion or who knows what. But I guess that’s what makes us humans, humans.

It’s strange how I’ve managed to somehow convince myself that I am not in control of my own mind, my own feelings, because, my mind, my feelings, are me.  But it doesn’t feel like it. And that’s probably because I’ve told myself that I don’t have control, for so long.

Tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start to believe it.

Yeah, another look inside my mind and my thoughts. It probably doesn’t make much sense, not even to me, I think.

Oh well, it’s better to write about what’s on my mind at this second, than to write nothing at all.

Why can’t I see it?


WARNING

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING PICTURE.

 

What bothers me, at the same time as it doesn’t, is the fact that my scars aren’t good enough, not deep, or visible enough, and to be completely honest, i keep wondering; will they ever?

For years people haven’t known what to do, and neither have i to be honest, so i can’t blame them for just ignoring me or my problems, just going on like normal, like nothing ever happened, that i never even said a word, even though I did, so many times, but i can’t blame them.

I got told yesterday that my step dad stepped out of it all, my problems, and me, and it hurt me a lot, because it feels like everyone’s giving up on me.

I’m keeping my head over the water, and I’m not harming, what more do they want?

                   (This picture is taken a while ago, I don’t exactly remember when.)

Can’t they realize that I cannot do it all by myself, that i actually need support instead of being abandoned by those who can’t handle it?

I’ve also discovered that I’ve started punishing myself in a different way, even though it’s just as confusing to be honest. I talked it over with Monica on wednesday, and she’s saying that I’m finding a different way to cause trouble, by not letting myself eat, convincing myself that it hurts inside when i do, and that it makes me feel ill.

I really can’t make myself eat either, cause I just won’t let myself sort of. I don’t really know what to do, cause it seems like there’s barely anyone who takes me serious, and yes I’m worried.

My sister’s husband talked to me about what my step dad said when i started crying in the car, and he told me to ask my parents for help, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ._.  So many times, but fair enough, they don’t know what to do, so they just do nothing.  All they do is to freak out, and do nothing..

And I STILL don’t understand why what I did was so wrong, so bad, bad enough for me to get punished?

Sure it made me give up my blades, but only cause i had to, and now, i know it was the right thing to do, because my boyfriend made me realize how it effected him, and how it made him feel, and to me it was a turning point, when he said “I’m not angry, but to be honest, I’m disappointed.”  It hit me hard, but it had to happen.

Its just so confusing, one part of me things its good that i gave up the blades, and the other part, my “monster”  is angry and frustrated about it, and I can’t help but listen to the “monster” instead of the other part, and just wonder, what’s so wrong about it?

I know I’m being selfish, only thinking about myself, when I harmed,  but since I stopped, I’m not that selfish anymore, am I?

I’m just confused, but hopefully I can sort things out, and find the reasons and answers to the why and whats.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx