Trust may be easy or hard to gain, but yet so easily taken away.

Trust is something that I treasure more than I could ever put into words. So when someone says that they no longer trusts you, for no apparent reason, it hurts, right?

I keep losing the ones I want in my life, those I care about.

Maybe they don’t think I cherish them enough? Or maybe they just think I’m poisoning their lives. Which I understand completely.

My presence is poisonous, I break people without even trying. They just stick around for long enough, and then they realize that I cannot be fixed, therefore I cannot be trusted(?)

Mindless gibberish I know.
But when someone tells me out of nowhere that they do not trust me anymore, that they haven’t for a long time, and leaves before I get a chance to even ask why. That shit hurts

I don’t trust easily, and right now, not at all. Because everyone leaves, they always do. No matter how hard I try to hold onto them, they slip through my fingers.

I need no one, and no one needs me. That’s how it’s supposed to be. That is safe.

Not caring, not trusting. Safe.



Counting the days.

I can’t believe its christmas soon, in like what, sixteen days?

It’s quite weird to think about, but this year I actually look forward to christmas, besides the food. I still have an issue with food.  I haven’t looked forward to christmas in years, I don’t even remember the last time I was excited about it.

As usual my thoughts get all mixed up and thought half way through before another one cuts it off and starts with a new one. It’s actually never easy to write anymore, but I like, maybe even love to write, so I cannot let that stop me.

I’ve started with my new therapy now (Thought Field Therapy) and it seems to work, slowly, but I notice small differences. Which is a good thing right?

I’m really not sure what to write, but for some reason a comment I got really made me in the mood to write again. One of my old friends from 1st year of college, Ingrid.  When I saw her comment it made me realize just how much I miss the people at my old school. I even miss my old best friend, a heck of a lot.  But I know we’re better off like this, apart.

I remember around this time last year, I remember it being tough, not going into school very often, and me being I’ll right before christmas.  We had tonnes of snow, and at christmas eve I was sad, not sure why, but I think it had something to do with my dad, so hopefully this years christmas will be better.

Well enough dwelling on the past.

Guess what, the 28th this month I’m going to see my boyfriend again and spend new years with him and his family, which’ll be nice, I’m excited to go to England again.  And I can’t think of a better way to start the new year than with my boyfriend there with me.

Right this moment I’m just sitting in my room, under my covers and listening to the rain.  The snow will go for sure, and it will probably be even more slippery tomorrow. But hey, at least I can hope that there will be snow for christmas eve.  Fingers crossed.

I’m just feeling really calm, but at the same time kind of empty, and tired as always.  I wish this could change soon, I really do. But as my boyfriend tends to say; It takes time.

So I guess I just have to wait, wait and see what happens.  Because, maybe it will get better, maybe I’ll allow myself to hope that it will soon, or even once?

We’ll see, but for now, I’ll wait.