Thoughts..?


As most of you have read in my previous post, I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of anxiety, and fear of throwing up, mostly at the morning shifts at work.

I’ve now worked three morning shifts this week, monday, which was horrid and completely drained me, was incredibly anxious all day, feeling a little sick, but no throwing up. Thursday, which was yesterday, not so bad with anxiety about throwing up, but more about food. I have a thing stuck in my head that I can only eat three times a day, and that every time I put something edible in my mouth, that’s a meal.

But lately, it has not been much of an issue, until yesterday. So that’s what my anxiety has switched off to again.

And today, Friday, another morning shift, but not really much anxiety at all, just being really tired and feeling drained.

So I guess that’s a step forward, right?

I don’t really know, because you see, when a problem is starting to fade away, a part of me starts to want it back, no matter how painful and scary it was for me in the first place. I just don’t really understand that at all.

When it’s there, I want it gone, but when it’s gone, I have a crave to get it back.

It’s like a part of me, or what to call it, keeps trying to drag me back to how things used to be, with my self harm, suicidal tendencies  and such. And its like, I want it (for some odd reason, but my feelings are telling me so), but I just can’t have it because of others in my life.

Is it strange to miss just how bad I used to be, and sort of want to go back?

When it comes to my own mind, thinking rationally about a matter only concerning myself, is impossible for me. Because, I “think” with my feelings, not with my head. I know it’s odd, but I think that’s the best way to describe it.  When making a decision or discussing something, my emotions take over, and what they tell me, no matter how disturbed I know it is, I cannot help but to believe what they tell me. I sort of get stuck in my own emotions, where no sort of sense can reach me, no matter how true what the person is telling me is.

But I think it’s best to stop this post right here. I am babysitting my nephew (Trym – 1 month old) and niece (Andrea – 1 year old) right now, and it’s quite late, so I should hit the sheets before I fall asleep this instant.

Goodnight everyone! And hope you have a nice and relaxing weekend (:

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Better left unsaid?


How can you tell someone how you really feel, when they’re clearly not interested?

I’ve had an appointment with my therapist today, we talked about feelings, and how it feels when someone close to you wants to know how you feel, but clearly isn’t interested in the response you give. We talked about my harming, about how it has become worse, and things like that.

I just came home from my depression management class, it’s a class where you learn to handle different feelings, how to react, and to just let them pass, and to prevent another long depression.

We got some papers and stuff about the class that we could take home to our parents if we wanted, so I figured, why not, it might help mum understand, and talk to me about it? .. I was wrong, but can you blame me for hoping that for once she’d be interested?

I’ve been told that I need to talk to my mum about it, but the few times that has happened she has asked, then make up her own answers, like she knows best, even though she says she doesn’t know how to help me.  Every time she says “If you just do this, and that, it will help, it will pass”, she makes it sound so easy.

My mum and step dad said that they was gonna figure out a way to help me, and the same time help them understand. That was months ago, they moved on, forgot, I’m still in the same place. But I’ve learned one thing though; to keep my mouth shut, it won’t help talking to my mum when she’s determinant to not understand, to not be interested.

I asked her about that once, but she said she had no clue what I was talking about, so that didn’t help much either, did it?

So my question is, why do I even bother, I mean, do I keep trying, or do I give in and shut up?, because she’s clearly not interested.

Another side of it is that it could be a good thing, because it means that I don’t worry her, she thinks I’m doing just fine, no more harming, no more of any of it. And I see that as a good thing because I hate it when I worry people, ruin their mood, or scare them.

But sometimes I just have to, I can’t keep it to myself anymore, I need to talk about it to someone that I trust, and to be honest, there aren’t many people I trust.

I know I worry them a lot, maybe even scare them, so maybe opening up isn’t such a good idea, I mean, I would rather have them happy and smiling instead of worrying about me.

I don’t know, it’s like I want people to be interested, to care, but at the same time I don’t want to worry or scare them by telling how I feel inside. Weird or what?

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Doubt?


I’m scared, nervous, everything at the same time. I just found out that my psych evaluation or what to call it has been moved to Wednesday next week, I don’t know what to think of it.

I guess it’s a good thing that everything’s happening so fast, but still I’m frightened, and what goes through my head right now is that “what if they don’t take me serious enough? What if they just think I’m an attention seeker?”

Some people might say I’m an attention seeker, but I know I’m not. I went out with everything because it lifted a rock off my shoulders.

Sure it was scary, but it helped. I felt like I didn’t get anywhere by just talking or writing to myself, so I started the blog to make it easier on me, to feel like I got somewhere, I answered my own questions, or got answers from others.

My mum told me she can’t make it, so I have to go alone, and that’s what I wanted, but I feel vulnerable again, so insecure. It’s all so new to me, yet so familiar. I’m scared of be let down again, that someone will give me up again.

How can something that’s supposed to help me be so scary? It’s like I’m walking on insecure ground, frightened that before I know it, it will fall apart underneath me, and then what?

As you can read, see whatever, I’m completely confused about this, isn’t this what I wanted? I wanted help; I want help, so how come I’m so scared of it?

Maybe it’s the idea of a total stranger analyzing every word I say, judging me before even knowing anything about me? And with my lack of explaining skills I know that whatever I say to her will just be wrong. I can’t explain anything without causing confusion or a misunderstanding.

People think that just because you don’t harm yourself anymore, that it’s over, the problem’s solved, but it’s not. Just because you try not to harm yourself it doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a chaos inside of you threatening to eat you up from inside if you don’t pay attention.

I push everything away, and sometimes I don’t pay attention to what’s happening for just one second, and boom, there’s everything in my face.

Sometimes it helps with talking it out, someone telling you to be strong, that it will work out somehow, that usually works, but sometimes you just give in to the pain, the doubt, and the voice inside your head telling you that you deserve it.

This is me

InsideOut

xx