Take me seriously .. !

Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –


So fucking fed up..!!!

First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Uhm.. I don’t really know.

Okay well, at this current time I am at college, and I just discovered that someone I know from my first year is here, he started today, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Sure it’s great that he got accepted here, its a sort of special college for kids with mental issues like myself.

The reason I’m writing about this is that I don’t really know what to do, I’m confused. I started here with no one knowing me, and suddenly, a person who I’ve gone to school with suddenly appears, I just don’t know how to take it.

Who shall I be, the very happy and always hyper and talkative girl he used to know, or the one in between, who’s very quiet at times, and sometimes in a good mood and talks alittle more than usual?

Fair enough I’ve changed alot since last school year, but I still don’t know.

Argh.. I’m probably just over thinking this, its probably nothing to worry about. But I can’t help it.( I don’t even know why I’m reacting to this!!  gaaaaah! why does everything have to be so bloody difficult?!)

Anyways, I’ll tell you how it goes, if it gets better or what happens.



What if?

These last days, or this weekend, I’ve been doing rather well, my mood has been sort of steady I think, but what I don’t get is why the signs(Depression coming back) won’t let go and fade away.

Signs like; Annoyed by everything, loss of energy, feeling exhausted, a little sleeping trouble(waking up several times Etc.), also head ache, which I usually get before or after I’ve been feeling down, but now I just have it pretty much all the time, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go.

From what you can read I probably sound pretty confused, well guess what, I am!

First of all, I show no signs of being suicidal (Thank god!), and I’m not confused about that at all, I’m just glad.

But what I’m confused about is the way everything’s going, I just don’t understand it. It’s frustrating really, I don’t know how to handle it. And I’m confused about wither I’m just overreacting about the signs(Hope so), or is it different this time? Am I just kidding myself?

Am I just blocking the feelings out? Am I just pretending so much I don’t even notice any more? I’m clueless.

Another thing is that since my mum found out how it really was, at least sort of, and the fact that I thought I was suicidal, she and those at home have been paying a lot more attention to me, but also worrying more than they should. I mean, I’ve told them that I’m fine, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s like they don’t hear a word of what I’m saying, or they don’t believe me.

Or maybe I really am just fooling myself, maybe I’m so deep in it that I don’t realize it?

Okay I must admit, it sounds pretty crazy, and I honestly don’t believe that explanation for a second, but I need to find out what’s going on with me, because I feel different, very different, but I don’t know why, and I even notice that I write different. Or maybe that’s just me, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I’m not scared of changes, but when it comes to something changing about me, like how I am and such, it can’t be a good thing, unless it’s for the better.

Have I just given up? Is that why I feel so different, so calm? I honestly don’t know, and if I have, I don’t see why.

I wish I could make this make sense in some way, to me at least, because right now everything’s a mess inside my head, and I don’t think it will sort itself out without help.


*Take a deep breath*

Even If my body is ready to give in, I’m not, and I never will be.

Bekka – InsideOut