Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

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So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Why can’t I see it?


WARNING

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING PICTURE.

 

What bothers me, at the same time as it doesn’t, is the fact that my scars aren’t good enough, not deep, or visible enough, and to be completely honest, i keep wondering; will they ever?

For years people haven’t known what to do, and neither have i to be honest, so i can’t blame them for just ignoring me or my problems, just going on like normal, like nothing ever happened, that i never even said a word, even though I did, so many times, but i can’t blame them.

I got told yesterday that my step dad stepped out of it all, my problems, and me, and it hurt me a lot, because it feels like everyone’s giving up on me.

I’m keeping my head over the water, and I’m not harming, what more do they want?

                   (This picture is taken a while ago, I don’t exactly remember when.)

Can’t they realize that I cannot do it all by myself, that i actually need support instead of being abandoned by those who can’t handle it?

I’ve also discovered that I’ve started punishing myself in a different way, even though it’s just as confusing to be honest. I talked it over with Monica on wednesday, and she’s saying that I’m finding a different way to cause trouble, by not letting myself eat, convincing myself that it hurts inside when i do, and that it makes me feel ill.

I really can’t make myself eat either, cause I just won’t let myself sort of. I don’t really know what to do, cause it seems like there’s barely anyone who takes me serious, and yes I’m worried.

My sister’s husband talked to me about what my step dad said when i started crying in the car, and he told me to ask my parents for help, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ._.  So many times, but fair enough, they don’t know what to do, so they just do nothing.  All they do is to freak out, and do nothing..

And I STILL don’t understand why what I did was so wrong, so bad, bad enough for me to get punished?

Sure it made me give up my blades, but only cause i had to, and now, i know it was the right thing to do, because my boyfriend made me realize how it effected him, and how it made him feel, and to me it was a turning point, when he said “I’m not angry, but to be honest, I’m disappointed.”  It hit me hard, but it had to happen.

Its just so confusing, one part of me things its good that i gave up the blades, and the other part, my “monster”  is angry and frustrated about it, and I can’t help but listen to the “monster” instead of the other part, and just wonder, what’s so wrong about it?

I know I’m being selfish, only thinking about myself, when I harmed,  but since I stopped, I’m not that selfish anymore, am I?

I’m just confused, but hopefully I can sort things out, and find the reasons and answers to the why and whats.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

 

Non-stop.


Edit: Written 4 pm.

Warning, this text contains a picture that could trig people who self harm.

My mind has been going nuts non-stop since yesterday evening, and I’m not sure what’s going on to be honest.

Usually I can tell right away what’s the right thing to do, what’s the positive part, and what’s not, but now I can’t tell which is which.

The urge is there constant, trying to trick me into doing what I know deep down is wrong, I know I shouldn’t, but in a twisted way, my mind make the harming seem like a good thing, like I need it.

I’ve been feeling rather empty since last night, and my mind’s solution to that is to cut myself, so then I’ll feel something. And just like I know I should tell my mum, or at least someone, but I just can’t, I can’t find one single good reason to why I should, I just can’t.

It’s like I want to end up at the hospital, with stitches and who knows what, and my way of reasonable it was that then I had to tell my mum, she would find out anyway.

I really don’t know what to do, I’m tired of fighting it, I just want to give up, give in to the urge. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m not sure how much longer I can resist.

I know for a fact that I won’t tell my mum, not unless it’s really urgent, life threatening.

It’s like I’m completely against telling anyone, even though I know I need to tell someone, but I just can’t get myself to do it, I can’t find a reason good enough to do it, I don’t see the point.

I’m scared, worried, I know what could happen, but at the same time it seems like it’s not serious enough, like; what’s the worst thing that could happen? And even the worst thing, doesn’t seem serious enough.

Do I want to put myself in danger, to risk my own life? I’m completely clueless of what’s happening.

Yesterday I was attending to a group which I often do on Thursdays, and a girl I got to know had her sleeves rolled up, and I saw her scars, and for some reason it trigged the urge to harm myself, like mine weren’t serious enough, they weren’t good enough.

I have no idea what’s going on, but it seems like I’ve already given in to the urge.

 

So wrong it’s right, eh?

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Edit 2:  Well I managed 12 days, now the question is, will I be able to resist next time, or will it be worse?