Dazed and confused?


I’m pregnant; again.

Well I’m due in about three months, so it’s not exactly ground breaking news to the people around me, or for anyone with a pair of oogling eyes.

I’m about as comfortable as you’d expect at 27 weeks. Don’t even mention the possible depression and anxiety on top of it.

I was convinced that this time, this time i’d gotten rid of it for good, this time would be different. But now? Now I’m not so sure.

I’m angry a lot. Every little thing gets to me; hormones aside..  And it hurts being this angry.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it either. All my fears and insecurities. Don’t even get me started on all my irrational constant negative thoughts..  “Why bother; no one’s going to understand anyway..” has become my mental mantra. The only difference is that this time I’m too weak to speak up against it.

It’s depressing as hell. It’s excruciatingly painful.  And did i mention, that every little thing makes me want to punch a hole through the wall? I. Hate. This.

Who the hell wants to listen to what I have to say? Who will want to hear about all my confusion, frustration and desperation?  To listen to my ever confusing thoughts?

What if this baby comes early as well? What if if delivery breaks me, both mentally and physically? What if I don’t feel safe? What if I can’t feel that I love my own child, again?

What if I get post partum depression again?

Sure I love my oldest, now. It took me a little over a year to actually feel that I love him.. And the truth is, it still hurts.

I’m sure it was painful for the both of us.

I know my anger is painful for the both of us.

It makes me wonder if the decision of a second child was the right one. I’m so scared of screwing my kids up, just like my parents, my family, did with me.

I’m putting my fiancé through hell, but I don’t know how to stop. God knows I want to. I just don’t know how to do it.

I want out.  I want to be selfish, but I can’t. And deep down? I know that it’s just my mental state speaking.  I wish someone understood. I wish someone got where I’m coming from.

I can’t put up the bed, I can’t pack my bag for the hospital, I can barely touch the baby clothes.  My first instinct is to just push past, put it behind me.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

At first, yes. In the long run? Nope. It’s all catching up with me now, slowly and all at once..  I don’t know how to deal with any of this.

I’m hurting.  I don’t want to sleep. I feel alone. I wish someone knew..

I’m falling apart..

please,

help..?

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beep beep boop


That’s what my screen told me when I clicked the pen.

Beep beep boop.

Not sure how to feel about that all of a sudden. What was once familiar, now makes me uncertain, makes me question it.

Why is everything so unfamiliar all of a sudden? I forget what certain feelings feel like, is that really supposed to happen?

I’m unable to feel love. I don’t remember what missing someone feels like. Am I feeling it, or am I just fooling myself? I crave to be around him at times, crave to see his face, need him close. When he’s not there of course.

Is that missing someone? For I cannot remember. My memory tells me that it did not use to feel like that, that missing someone feels different from that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. That’s what it seems like to me at least.

I cannot feel that I love him, I just know that I’m extremely comfortable around him, don’t want to be with anyone else, don’t want to be anywhere not near him. I crave having him close. I guess that makes me sound like I’m head over heels, right? I cannot feel anything though.

Every time I almost reach that feeling, my eyes tear up, and my stomach hurts a tad, I feel sad, disappointed.  Is there something blocking it? How can I fix this?

As long as I don’t question it, it feels true. But if I do, doubt comes creeping. I don’t like doubt. It’s always been quite tense between us. (He-he)

What am I supposed to do with all this?

I for instance is clueless.

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

What is going on exactly?


It’s been what, three days since I got the disturbing message from my psychiatrist.

And my mood’s has been going haywire ever since. I feel so strange, physically and mentally. I can’t even explain it to myself even if I wanted to. It’s closing in to desperation. I need a distraction that works. Something. Anything really. I am getting more and more desperate.

I’m either really weird, disconnected, nothing feels real, nothing feels familiar. Annoyed, angry, easily so I might add, or I’m crying just out of nowhere. Needless to say that I’m getting very fed up with everything.

I need help, I want help. I need something to get me out of this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Even the idea of meds seem a tiny bit appealing at the moment. Just to get out of this hell. To go back to being me. Everything just feels like it’s hazy, not there. Not really. Not real.

I feel really shaky, even M’s getting affected. She’s a lot more quiet, yet with an overwhelming presence/pressure inside my head. I really do not know what to do. What’s causing this?! I need answers. I need something. Anything.

I feel as if I were alone, all I’d do would be just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, sinking into the hazy nothingness of this nightmare.

Sure I have moments, or hours of clarity, but they’re too far between. They’re not enough.

I need distraction. My blades or a shower apparently. But right now I sadly do not have the energy to do either, nor the strength to even try. 

M keeps showing me the mental images, or emotions of me sobbing violently. She always does that just before a breakdown. But right now I do not think I even have the strength for something like that. Even breathing is draining. Not that I have much choice tho. It’s the body’s natural reflex to start breathing again after a while if you hold your breath.

The promise bothers me a lot. But I need to keep him safe. And just the thought of the fact that I cannot use my blades just makes me feel hopeless. I need relief. What usually works, does not anymore. It’s always like that with me. Something works for a while, then it stops, just as abruptly as it started. Poof, gone.

Why can’t some things just stay as they were. I don’t like changes, in fact, I hate them. Especially so when they’re happening to me, without me even being able to do anything about it.

I feel completely and utterly helpless. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What is happening to me? The fuck is going on exactly?

All I have is a bunch of unanswered questions. No one can really answer them, no one but me. But where do I even begin to search? My head is a sticky mess, nothing makes sense, everything’s jumbled up, yet my head feels empty but at the same time heavy, the only thing’s filling it is M’s presence, perhaps the male one as well, and the strange feeling.

I never feel things in my head, or very seldom would be more precise.

Maybe what I’m feeling is dead?

I NEED A DISTRACTION. Asap. Before I break completely.

I just want to get out of this hell.  Can’t even think straight. All M’s on about is my blades and pills (OD).

Not exactly helpful (But it works..! – M).

I can’t just snap out of this, believe me I’ve tried. I need to get out of this, my boyfriend needs me, but in my current state I can’t even comfort him. Just the thought of speaking is draining.

If this is just a different kind of depression, then I’m fucked. Majorly so.

Someone. Anyone. Please help.

Mood: Desperate.

 

 

Psychosis?


Yesterday I was told that they’re pretty certain that I have a psychosis.  But then again, what exactly does that mean?

I’m out of the POP project (Prevention of psychosis), and being put into a project called TIPS, which is basically for treating psychosis in the early stages. Oh, and I’m yet again going to have a new therapist, which will be my number six in about what, seven years(?)

They keep bouncing me back and forth between therapists and projects. This time I’m being transferred to a new department where they’re supposedly more qualified with dealing with psychosis. Imagine having a department just for that.

So I’m a bit lost, or a lot. I don’t understand anything. What’s going on?!

Sure M is mostly in control, giving me quite strong urges to do the things she says, and sometimes making me almost doing them without even saying anything. I’ve had to stop my own arm quite a few times, almost punching my boyfriend in the face, throwing stuff at him. Things like that. Just out of nowhere. M wants to hurt him, but I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why.

Why cannot at least one thing in my life make sense? I’m fed up feeling like this. What on earth is going on with me.. ?

Can someone please explain it to me, plain and simple, what the hell is a psychosis??

I’ve been told the basic stuff, but I cannot even begin to understand it, not even a little bit. It’s so frustrating.

It’s pouring down outside. Quite distracting I might add. Yet kind of soothing, just listening to the rain outside. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind. Oh what I’d give for just a glimpse of that emotion.

It’s getting heavier, stirring a feeling of uneasiness inside. Chaos. Dread is what comes to mind this time.

Is it my thoughts, or M’s? Is she even there, or have I imagined it all?

My emotions say otherwise. They say that its, she’s, definitely real. But then again, even they waver at times when this question pops up. Which is quite frequently I might add.

And then there’s E, or Emily, previously known as the positive one. I think that’s her name. That’s what pops up right after I’ve referred to her in my thoughts or out loud. Two female, one negative M, one positive, E. And then there’s the male one. Don’t know much about him. He’s chaotic, and rarely present, that’s pretty much all I know.

My mind is a haze, a puddle of confusion and uncertainty. Nothing makes sense, and it’s giving me a head ache.

I’m laying here with the feeling that I’m writing a story, but it’s not mine. It’s not made up, it is indeed very, very real.

But then again, it’s all in my head, right?

I want to know all I can about psychosis, and I’m trying, it’s just that none of it makes any sense whatsoever.

So please, if there’s anyone out there who knows anything, please tell me.

Mood: Desperate for answers.

 

I don’t even know.


Its been a very difficult couple of weeks. Filled with doubt, anxiety and sadness.

I dont even really know how to put my feelings into words at the moment either, but at the same time I feel the need to write. So I suppose you could say that I’m pretty stuck.

It feels like there’s a raging tornado of feelings inside me, and it triggers my need to harm myself, and my anxiety.

My head is a complete mess.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now;

– I cannot cook because it triggers my anxiety, I dread crossing the road if I see a car about 80 feet away from me.  

And loads more, but I have yet to make sense of them all. But the main thing I “feel” in my head is emotions. It sounds strange, but at the same time, its very true.

I’m just a confused mess at the moment. Nothing makes sense, and I’m tempted to seek relief in my blades just to make all this confusion and gibberish go away. I want my mind to be clear and stop running around the bush a hundred times before anything makes sense. I’m exhausted.

Another thing that triggers my anxiety is if I have two things to do at the same day. Doesnt matter if it is at different times, it still stresses me out beyond belief.  Like tomorrow I have a session with my therapist at 10 am, and work at 4 pm. And my mind wont stop worrying about it. Trying to talk me into skipping the session so I dont have to deal with everything. I just want to run away, to escape. Get away from everything, especially my thoughts, and just be happy. But I suppose that’s not happening any time soon, aye?

I sleep most of my days away. Sleep is my only escape at the moment, so I try to sleep as much as I possibly can. Dreading to get out of bed to face the world.

I have this sinking feeling inside, just wanting to give up or pick up my blades again. Anything to get away from this mess. I am completely and utterly fed up. Its so exhausting.