It’s been what, three days since I got the disturbing message from my psychiatrist.
And my mood’s has been going haywire ever since. I feel so strange, physically and mentally. I can’t even explain it to myself even if I wanted to. It’s closing in to desperation. I need a distraction that works. Something. Anything really. I am getting more and more desperate.
I’m either really weird, disconnected, nothing feels real, nothing feels familiar. Annoyed, angry, easily so I might add, or I’m crying just out of nowhere. Needless to say that I’m getting very fed up with everything.
I need help, I want help. I need something to get me out of this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Even the idea of meds seem a tiny bit appealing at the moment. Just to get out of this hell. To go back to being me. Everything just feels like it’s hazy, not there. Not really. Not real.
I feel really shaky, even M’s getting affected. She’s a lot more quiet, yet with an overwhelming presence/pressure inside my head. I really do not know what to do. What’s causing this?! I need answers. I need something. Anything.
I feel as if I were alone, all I’d do would be just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, sinking into the hazy nothingness of this nightmare.
Sure I have moments, or hours of clarity, but they’re too far between. They’re not enough.
I need distraction. My blades or a shower apparently. But right now I sadly do not have the energy to do either, nor the strength to even try.
M keeps showing me the mental images, or emotions of me sobbing violently. She always does that just before a breakdown. But right now I do not think I even have the strength for something like that. Even breathing is draining. Not that I have much choice tho. It’s the body’s natural reflex to start breathing again after a while if you hold your breath.
The promise bothers me a lot. But I need to keep him safe. And just the thought of the fact that I cannot use my blades just makes me feel hopeless. I need relief. What usually works, does not anymore. It’s always like that with me. Something works for a while, then it stops, just as abruptly as it started. Poof, gone.
Why can’t some things just stay as they were. I don’t like changes, in fact, I hate them. Especially so when they’re happening to me, without me even being able to do anything about it.
I feel completely and utterly helpless. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What is happening to me? The fuck is going on exactly?
All I have is a bunch of unanswered questions. No one can really answer them, no one but me. But where do I even begin to search? My head is a sticky mess, nothing makes sense, everything’s jumbled up, yet my head feels empty but at the same time heavy, the only thing’s filling it is M’s presence, perhaps the male one as well, and the strange feeling.
I never feel things in my head, or very seldom would be more precise.
Maybe what I’m feeling is dead?
I NEED A DISTRACTION. Asap. Before I break completely.
I just want to get out of this hell. Can’t even think straight. All M’s on about is my blades and pills (OD).
Not exactly helpful (But it works..! – M).
I can’t just snap out of this, believe me I’ve tried. I need to get out of this, my boyfriend needs me, but in my current state I can’t even comfort him. Just the thought of speaking is draining.
If this is just a different kind of depression, then I’m fucked. Majorly so.
Someone. Anyone. Please help.