Dazed and confused?


I’m pregnant; again.

Well I’m due in about three months, so it’s not exactly ground breaking news to the people around me, or for anyone with a pair of oogling eyes.

I’m about as comfortable as you’d expect at 27 weeks. Don’t even mention the possible depression and anxiety on top of it.

I was convinced that this time, this time i’d gotten rid of it for good, this time would be different. But now? Now I’m not so sure.

I’m angry a lot. Every little thing gets to me; hormones aside..  And it hurts being this angry.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it either. All my fears and insecurities. Don’t even get me started on all my irrational constant negative thoughts..  “Why bother; no one’s going to understand anyway..” has become my mental mantra. The only difference is that this time I’m too weak to speak up against it.

It’s depressing as hell. It’s excruciatingly painful.  And did i mention, that every little thing makes me want to punch a hole through the wall? I. Hate. This.

Who the hell wants to listen to what I have to say? Who will want to hear about all my confusion, frustration and desperation?  To listen to my ever confusing thoughts?

What if this baby comes early as well? What if if delivery breaks me, both mentally and physically? What if I don’t feel safe? What if I can’t feel that I love my own child, again?

What if I get post partum depression again?

Sure I love my oldest, now. It took me a little over a year to actually feel that I love him.. And the truth is, it still hurts.

I’m sure it was painful for the both of us.

I know my anger is painful for the both of us.

It makes me wonder if the decision of a second child was the right one. I’m so scared of screwing my kids up, just like my parents, my family, did with me.

I’m putting my fiancé through hell, but I don’t know how to stop. God knows I want to. I just don’t know how to do it.

I want out.  I want to be selfish, but I can’t. And deep down? I know that it’s just my mental state speaking.  I wish someone understood. I wish someone got where I’m coming from.

I can’t put up the bed, I can’t pack my bag for the hospital, I can barely touch the baby clothes.  My first instinct is to just push past, put it behind me.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

At first, yes. In the long run? Nope. It’s all catching up with me now, slowly and all at once..  I don’t know how to deal with any of this.

I’m hurting.  I don’t want to sleep. I feel alone. I wish someone knew..

I’m falling apart..

please,

help..?

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I hear voices, so I must be crazy.. Right?


I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.

Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.

If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.

They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.

When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I.  They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that

“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.

But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?

As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?

Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.

Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.

Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Untitled? *Post may be triggering*


Ugh.. Nothing’s really happened lately, and I am back to where I was, unable to really write anything decent, so I don’t.

A few weeks ago I got a comment from an old friend of mine, and it brought back so many feelings. She was my best friend, and I’ve never had a friendship with anyone else, like the one we had.  We just had fun, joking around and laughing.  So I guess I just miss having a friendship like that, and a proper friend too.

I am now working full time, but that was not the plan tho. My plan was to go back to a normal college again, make new friends and be more social. But it seems like the school system had a different opinion about that, because the only offer I got was the college I attended last year, filled with people with mental issues and such. I don’t have anything against them, but being around mentally ill people is not a great environment for me.  I was just hoping for a fresh start, to maybe get out of my old habits, I don’t know, just not this.

I just feel more isolated now, since I work all day, almost every day. Even when I want to do something with others, I can’t, because of work. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, I do, and the people I work with are great. I just wish I could’ve gone to college.

Anywho, my “fobia” of throwing up has really kept itself in the background lately, which is a good thing, but still I find myself wanting my suicidal thoughts and self injury back, simply because it is bad for me, and was something I was okay at.

I still find myself wanting to hurt myself just to see my skin tear open, and the blood flow out. I am fascinated by it, I like it. But when it comes to other people’s blood, it makes me feel sick.

October the 28th will be my first year harm free since this nightmare started about four or so years ago. And I can’t really say that I’m proud of it, because I’m not. I just don’t really care about it. Because I am not doing it for me, but for everyone else.

Off to work.

Sayonara

My little ray of sunshine ❤ Isn’t she just adorable?

Living To Die?


[Lets just say I ‘opened’ my head, and these were the thoughts and random things I got from there.]

Have you ever wondered why am I here, what am I here for?

I wonder about that a lot, like was there a reason, or maybe a purpose for me turning out to be the person I am today, now? Is there a reason I’m going through all this, is it for a greater challenge or something better?

A stranger once told me that everything you do makes an impact on the people around you, no matter what you do or say, you sort of change them, for better or worse.

This stranger made me see things in another light when all I saw was darkness, I was ready to finish it all, made me realize, see that if I chose to leave then, I would cheat people from the experiences they would get from me. (Not sure if it makes sense to anyone but me)

I’m not trying to sound like I’m all better than anyone else, but that was literally, word for word what he said to me, and at that point, that was what reached through to me and made me think.

The final ending always seems like the easy way out, it still does, but just because it’s easy, it doesn’t make it right, fair.

I have people keeping me here, reasons to go on when everything’s working against me, not because I’m suicidal or anything, but I like to keep on to those reasons.

Like the main reason is my youngest brother, he’s just turned seven and from the day he was born he’s always been the person I’ve been emotionally closest to in my whole family, in my whole life. And I would love to say that that’s the reason keeping me here, but it’s not, the reason is that he’s depending on me being there, he hates it when I’m away for too  long, and I hate seeing him sad.

There are a few more reasons, but the second most important reason is, I’m just not ready to leave yet. No matter how much easier it would be to just surrender completely to the voice telling me that I’m a worthless piece of shit that needs to be punished, that people would be better off without me, I just can’t do it, it’s not right towards me, the people who care about me or to anyone else.

The truth behind the mask.

If I would ask people to describe me with one word, it would probably be something like; outgoing, random, perv, funny, confident and maybe even talkative, but all that talking and confidence is really just an act, I cover up all my insecurity, my lack of self confidence with laughter and loads of talking.

If you saw me out with my friends, all laughing and talking, you would see one person, but be a fly on the wall when I’m at home, you’d see a completely different person.  Sure I sometimes am very talkative, pervy and laughing a lot at home too, but yeah.

I don’t know why I wrote all this, but it felt good just letting it out. My thoughts about stuff, and everything. Sure most of it might sound different to you, for all I know I might sound suicidal or god knows what, but I’m just I don’t know, interested in death? There’s just something about it that captures me, tickles my mind even.

But like I said, it might sound different to you; it depends on your ability to read between the lines, and what you find there.

Are we all just living to die, or is there something more to it?”

Bekka- InsideOut

xx

Long time no see?


I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.

.

Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.

 

What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut

xx

Just, walk it off


The one thing I dislike the strongest, even hates is to feel sad, like everything’s wrong, or something, but you can’t figure out exactly what.

So I’ve figured out that going for a walk helps to clear your head, you might not figure out what cause the sudden mood change, but you lose your odd mood.  I ended up feeling very empty, but that’s better than being depressed, right?

It’s like you feel so lousy, don’t know what to do, can’t decide even the simplest thing.

While I was walking my head got more and more messed up, my negative thoughts got worse, I felt like I was about to cry any second, but then it turned and well slowly my mood passed.  So it has to get worse before it gets better.

But say that it’s late at night and there’s no one I can talk to about what my problem may be, or someone to cheer me up and too late to go for a walk, then what? What if the only way to get rid of my sadness and the ache inside is to hurt myself? What if I can’t resist?  I know It’s not possible for me to sleep when I’m feeling that way, even though I eventually pass out two hours before I’m supposed to get up, and that’s not really that good either.

I just need a third option to handle it when it comes, something that will work when neither of the other options works, without turning to medicine and pills.

I don’t wanna turn to the razor every time none of the other options work. And I’d love to say that I’m over that, but that would be a lie.

This time I walked my mood off, the question is, will I be able to do that the next time, and if I don’t then what?

I’ve started reading a book called I don’t wanna die, I just can’t live. I read half way through and then I had to stop because it made me so down, and I haven’t picked up that book afterwards.

It’s about a woman that has manic depression, and had struggled with self harm, so it was a kind of diary, but the problem was that I could relate so much to her feelings and thoughts. And I’m starting to wonder if it’s too early for me to read it, to try to understand it, I don’t know.

And every time I’m feeling down I always does research on the internet about depression, self harm, suicide etc etc.  And I have no idea why, all I know is that it’s making the whole thing worse, but I just can’t stop.  I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.

It’s like I’m obsessed with matters like death, depression and suicide, not because I wanna die, even though the negative thoughts makes me believe I want to, and that that’s the only option even though I know it isn’t.

They scare me sometimes, like what if they come on really strong and I just can’t resist?

All I can hope for now is that I get a therapist; my mum’s sending the papers on Monday.

Let’s just hope he or she doesn’t give me up like the other one did.

Just, walk it off.

xx

ShadowLicious