beep beep boop


That’s what my screen told me when I clicked the pen.

Beep beep boop.

Not sure how to feel about that all of a sudden. What was once familiar, now makes me uncertain, makes me question it.

Why is everything so unfamiliar all of a sudden? I forget what certain feelings feel like, is that really supposed to happen?

I’m unable to feel love. I don’t remember what missing someone feels like. Am I feeling it, or am I just fooling myself? I crave to be around him at times, crave to see his face, need him close. When he’s not there of course.

Is that missing someone? For I cannot remember. My memory tells me that it did not use to feel like that, that missing someone feels different from that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. That’s what it seems like to me at least.

I cannot feel that I love him, I just know that I’m extremely comfortable around him, don’t want to be with anyone else, don’t want to be anywhere not near him. I crave having him close. I guess that makes me sound like I’m head over heels, right? I cannot feel anything though.

Every time I almost reach that feeling, my eyes tear up, and my stomach hurts a tad, I feel sad, disappointed.  Is there something blocking it? How can I fix this?

As long as I don’t question it, it feels true. But if I do, doubt comes creeping. I don’t like doubt. It’s always been quite tense between us. (He-he)

What am I supposed to do with all this?

I for instance is clueless.

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What am I even supposed to do?


I have not heard a single word from my supposed coward of a “boyfriend” after he decided he needed a break from us. It’s been two weeks, and I’m feeling more and more alone. I have no one to talk to about it either, no one who would understand. I just feel so complete and utterly alone.

He was my rock, the one I could lean on, and now what do I have? That’s right, nothing, not a damn thing but a shattered heart.
I’m so confused. I met this great guy a few months back, in march I think. I instantly liked him, he was nice and friendly and oh so charming. And I think that I’m starting to fall for him, and it hurts.
We’ve spent time together a lot these last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure I may have already fallen for him a tad, and he feels the same about me.
But I’m scared to open up again to someone, he doesn’t even know about my scars, so I guess that if he ever sees them, he’ll be out the doors immediately.
I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about any if this.
It’s all so new, and it triggers my urges to hurt myself again.
I just do not know what to do, or who to talk to.
It’s all too soon for any of this love(?) stuff yet. I’m not even over my ex(?) yet.

God I think I’ll go mad if this keeps up. Someone put me out of my misery.

Just feeling down.


Im in England, been there since thursday last week, and its been confusing and good at the same time. I’ve been insecure and scared, yet still felt loved and safe.
My main reason to come here was to sort my relationship out, should i stay or should i go? I’ve come to a decision to stay, it would hurt so much more to leave him, than to stay.

The only time i have the courage to speak about what’s troubling me about our relationship is when I’ve had a bit to drink (I’m a light weight when it comes to alcohol), and a few days ago, I did just that, and it helped, but I didn’t say everything, so yesterday I worked up my courage, along with a tad to drink, and told him what was bothering me, which was,( read: is) bothering me, how he never told me he loved me anymore, I was(am) the one who always says it first, and the same issue when it comes to me saying that I Miss him. And he just said ‘I Love you’ just like that, like it was nothing, like he didn’t even mean it. So I’m left even more insecure, and I still do not want to leave his side, I’m too In Love with him, too dependent.
I need reassurance once in a while (read: every day) that he still loves and misses me, just as much as I do when it comes to him. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, it’s completely impossible.
I don’t want to leave England, and him. I want to live here with him.
And my insecurities tell me that I’m scared, how can I be able to do that? I’ll fail, it’ll never work.
But I want it to, but do not know how.
Confused, desperate, reluctant to leave? Oh yes.

Tense.


The situation is rather tense at home. It makes it almost unbearable to be downstairs anymore. My step dad is pissed, and holds a grudge forever.
Last weekend we had my niece and nephew over from Saturday to Sunday, and that was fair enough. But the day before, mum asked step dad if he was okay with having them over, and she did not get a real answer from him, so she said yes to babysit them. And that pissed him off beyond belief. And now, a week later, he’s still pissy with her. He’s like a child!
I can’t stand being around him anymore, I’m on my toes every second of the day, trying my best not to make him explode. I’m not speaking much to him at all to be honest. But if he as much tries to say something bad to me, or I feel like I’m being stepped on, I explode.
He’s always like this, and I wish that he would stop taking his bad mood out on us. I’d want nothing more than be able to kick him out for good, or move. But I can’t do either of those things, simply because my little brother, because if my step dad ever made reality if his threats, to move, my little brother would be devastated. And I can’t move out simply because its too damn expensive.
It’s not all bad at home, only 90% of the time, when he’s in a good mood. But that never lasts for long before he throws a fit over nothing.
I’m sure he would like me to respect him, but he needs to learn that to gain my respect, he needs to show me, and everyone else the respect that they deserve, and treat others better.
He’s manipulative, and if he’s in a bad mood, and some friends of his or whatever, comes to visit, he’s all smiles and sunshine. But if its my mum whose “wronged” him, he talks to his friends, and his friends only.
He’s either the silent treatment type, or raging and yelling.
If something bothers him, he doesn’t say it straight away, he keeps building up his irritation, and when we least expect it, he blows up.

It may not sound so bad to you guys out there, but it’s taking its toll on not only me, but my mum as well, mentally. The way he keeps me constantly on my toes is really triggering my anxiety. And I’m so sick of it.

I hate how love makes you just accept things, and turn blind. I want him out, and I want it now. We’d be better off without him.
But there’s nothing I can do but endure it the best I can.

Probably a confusing post yet again, but I’m in a confused mood, so it affects my writing greatly.

I am the type to insert my feelings into what I write, and hopefully that will make people more aware of the feelings related to this post.

To all women and men out there, don’t let your better half or anyone else step on you!
Nothing pisses me off more than to be stepped on, or watching others be treated like that.

Stand up for yourself!!!

Counting the days.


I can’t believe its christmas soon, in like what, sixteen days?

It’s quite weird to think about, but this year I actually look forward to christmas, besides the food. I still have an issue with food.  I haven’t looked forward to christmas in years, I don’t even remember the last time I was excited about it.

As usual my thoughts get all mixed up and thought half way through before another one cuts it off and starts with a new one. It’s actually never easy to write anymore, but I like, maybe even love to write, so I cannot let that stop me.

I’ve started with my new therapy now (Thought Field Therapy) and it seems to work, slowly, but I notice small differences. Which is a good thing right?

I’m really not sure what to write, but for some reason a comment I got really made me in the mood to write again. One of my old friends from 1st year of college, Ingrid.  When I saw her comment it made me realize just how much I miss the people at my old school. I even miss my old best friend, a heck of a lot.  But I know we’re better off like this, apart.

I remember around this time last year, I remember it being tough, not going into school very often, and me being I’ll right before christmas.  We had tonnes of snow, and at christmas eve I was sad, not sure why, but I think it had something to do with my dad, so hopefully this years christmas will be better.

Well enough dwelling on the past.

Guess what, the 28th this month I’m going to see my boyfriend again and spend new years with him and his family, which’ll be nice, I’m excited to go to England again.  And I can’t think of a better way to start the new year than with my boyfriend there with me.

Right this moment I’m just sitting in my room, under my covers and listening to the rain.  The snow will go for sure, and it will probably be even more slippery tomorrow. But hey, at least I can hope that there will be snow for christmas eve.  Fingers crossed.

I’m just feeling really calm, but at the same time kind of empty, and tired as always.  I wish this could change soon, I really do. But as my boyfriend tends to say; It takes time.

So I guess I just have to wait, wait and see what happens.  Because, maybe it will get better, maybe I’ll allow myself to hope that it will soon, or even once?

We’ll see, but for now, I’ll wait.

So terribly insecure.


And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.

asdfghjkl

I’m so confused and torn right now.

Long time no see?


I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.

.

Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.

 

What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut

xx