How can you tell someone how you really feel, when they’re clearly not interested?
I’ve had an appointment with my therapist today, we talked about feelings, and how it feels when someone close to you wants to know how you feel, but clearly isn’t interested in the response you give. We talked about my harming, about how it has become worse, and things like that.
I just came home from my depression management class, it’s a class where you learn to handle different feelings, how to react, and to just let them pass, and to prevent another long depression.
We got some papers and stuff about the class that we could take home to our parents if we wanted, so I figured, why not, it might help mum understand, and talk to me about it? .. I was wrong, but can you blame me for hoping that for once she’d be interested?
I’ve been told that I need to talk to my mum about it, but the few times that has happened she has asked, then make up her own answers, like she knows best, even though she says she doesn’t know how to help me. Every time she says “If you just do this, and that, it will help, it will pass”, she makes it sound so easy.
My mum and step dad said that they was gonna figure out a way to help me, and the same time help them understand. That was months ago, they moved on, forgot, I’m still in the same place. But I’ve learned one thing though; to keep my mouth shut, it won’t help talking to my mum when she’s determinant to not understand, to not be interested.
I asked her about that once, but she said she had no clue what I was talking about, so that didn’t help much either, did it?
So my question is, why do I even bother, I mean, do I keep trying, or do I give in and shut up?, because she’s clearly not interested.
Another side of it is that it could be a good thing, because it means that I don’t worry her, she thinks I’m doing just fine, no more harming, no more of any of it. And I see that as a good thing because I hate it when I worry people, ruin their mood, or scare them.
But sometimes I just have to, I can’t keep it to myself anymore, I need to talk about it to someone that I trust, and to be honest, there aren’t many people I trust.
I know I worry them a lot, maybe even scare them, so maybe opening up isn’t such a good idea, I mean, I would rather have them happy and smiling instead of worrying about me.
I don’t know, it’s like I want people to be interested, to care, but at the same time I don’t want to worry or scare them by telling how I feel inside. Weird or what?
Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Bekka – InsideOut