Dazed and confused?


I’m pregnant; again.

Well I’m due in about three months, so it’s not exactly ground breaking news to the people around me, or for anyone with a pair of oogling eyes.

I’m about as comfortable as you’d expect at 27 weeks. Don’t even mention the possible depression and anxiety on top of it.

I was convinced that this time, this time i’d gotten rid of it for good, this time would be different. But now? Now I’m not so sure.

I’m angry a lot. Every little thing gets to me; hormones aside..  And it hurts being this angry.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it either. All my fears and insecurities. Don’t even get me started on all my irrational constant negative thoughts..  “Why bother; no one’s going to understand anyway..” has become my mental mantra. The only difference is that this time I’m too weak to speak up against it.

It’s depressing as hell. It’s excruciatingly painful.  And did i mention, that every little thing makes me want to punch a hole through the wall? I. Hate. This.

Who the hell wants to listen to what I have to say? Who will want to hear about all my confusion, frustration and desperation?  To listen to my ever confusing thoughts?

What if this baby comes early as well? What if if delivery breaks me, both mentally and physically? What if I don’t feel safe? What if I can’t feel that I love my own child, again?

What if I get post partum depression again?

Sure I love my oldest, now. It took me a little over a year to actually feel that I love him.. And the truth is, it still hurts.

I’m sure it was painful for the both of us.

I know my anger is painful for the both of us.

It makes me wonder if the decision of a second child was the right one. I’m so scared of screwing my kids up, just like my parents, my family, did with me.

I’m putting my fiancé through hell, but I don’t know how to stop. God knows I want to. I just don’t know how to do it.

I want out.  I want to be selfish, but I can’t. And deep down? I know that it’s just my mental state speaking.  I wish someone understood. I wish someone got where I’m coming from.

I can’t put up the bed, I can’t pack my bag for the hospital, I can barely touch the baby clothes.  My first instinct is to just push past, put it behind me.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

At first, yes. In the long run? Nope. It’s all catching up with me now, slowly and all at once..  I don’t know how to deal with any of this.

I’m hurting.  I don’t want to sleep. I feel alone. I wish someone knew..

I’m falling apart..

please,

help..?

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I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

Dilemma.


What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

I hear voices, so I must be crazy.. Right?


I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.

Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.

If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.

They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.

When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I.  They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that

“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.

But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?

As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?

Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.

Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.

Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.

I don’t know what to do with myself.