Knowing nothing at all. ( May contain triggering content!)


Am I falling in Love, or fooling myself?

Day four off my meds, apparently I am more uneasy and worried about stuff without it.

I don’t want to fall in Love, or maybe it’s too late?

I don’t want it, don’t need it.
I’m fine on my own, right?

I’m getting attached, and that’s exactly what I did not want. I want to go back to not giving a damn about anything, just doing what I want without a second thought.

How did he change that ? Why did he change that? When ?

I don’t want to need anyone.
He doesn’t even know who I really am.

Or maybe he does ?

There’s so much that I do not know.
Like how he’s able to make me smile and laugh without even trying.
Or is he trying?

He doesn’t even have my complete trust. Or does he?

I know nothing anymore.

Have nothing in particular to say, yet words keep flowing, questions keep rising.

Maybe this is how I really want to write, lost, yet still knowing where I am.

Maybe I’m better when I’m off my meds? Or maybe I’m just slowly getting worse?

If I take my meds, I’ll give my body a shock, and my mind a breakdown. Do I really want that to happen again? I think not.

My blade is always with me, and each time I use it, on my nails or to open things, it feels like it’s getting sharper, yet more taunting.

A promise of destruction, red, wide, open.
I’m sure you know what I’m referring to.
If not, you are one of the lucky ones, and I hope you’ll stay like that.

My arms are scarred, and so is my thigh. There are even scars under my tattoo, but I’m the only one who knows.

Bruising and dragging my nails violently over my own skin, in a desperate hope to slice it open.

Yet A part if me hopes that I’ll fail. That part is getting smaller, fading away.

I want it, but I don’t, yet I still do.

Is it still about relief, or is it just about destruction now? I myself do not know.

Maybe it is me who is fading away, slowly, little by little.(?)

Another mindless ramble, feelings disconnected, lost.

Maybe I write better this way, maybe people understand me more now?

But that’s not something I can say wih certainty, because I do not stand on the outside, looking in. I’m in the middle of it, trying desperately to get a glimpse of the outside. To reconnect myself to the world.

So maybe you’ll see me, looking back at you, as you squint your eyes, trying to get a look at the small glimpse I’m trying to show you of my world.

Maybe does it make more sense to you than it does so me right now.

I just feel like a blur, floating around, not sure about anything.

It occurs to me that I in fact, know nothing at all.

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Sky high.


These last couple of days my anxiety has been, and still is sky high. And to be honest, I have no idea why.

It goes down a little every time I go upstairs to be by myself, but every damn time I go downstairs into the living room, where my family usually is, my anxiety rockets through the roof, making it almost unbearable to be down there. 

So for the last couple of days, I’ve been going downstairs and upstairs, and downstairs and upstairs. I just cant stay down there for too long. Its really difficult.

Am I getting worse, or is there an underlying problem that I just havent spotted yet? 

I sleep as much as I can, and during the day, when I’m not at work, I keep myself busy with watching anime. It helps to take my mind off of things, and calms me down to a certain degree.

I’m sick of things being like this.

I even tried to convince myself to go for a walk, but again, my anxiety is making me dread it, and draining me both physically and mentally. Whats wrong with me these days?

Another thing that has been bothering me for quite some time is that my better half, he doesnt know what to say that has not already been said. He’s sick of repeating himself, and has given up trying to help me completely. I know he cares, but the way he says things makes me feel like he doesnt. 

I understand it, but I cant say I like it. it makes me feel so alone, and like he’s given up on me.

When I try to tell him whats going on with me, he just gets annoyed and does not really know what to say. I just wish that he could show me that he hasnt given up on me.

We’ve been through this for years, and Ive made progress, slowly, but still progress. And I think that the reason he’s given up is because I wasnt making progress fast enough, or that he felt as if he wasnt making a big enough difference in my life. I wasnt making progress as much as he wanted me to.

ugh.. There it comes again, that wave that washes away every word that I was supposed to write. It empties my head, and leaves it completely blank, with me utterly confused and frustrated.

I just wish I knew how to deal with all of this. 

I just need someone to talk to, that’ll understand and maybe give me some direction. Someone who wont give up no matter how much of a struggle. Image

Summer days


( Written on my iPhone)
I havent written in ages, so I figured that I’d write a little just to let you all know that I’m still alive and doing pretty okay (:

For almost three months ago I started using Zoloft for to treat my depression and anxiety, and as far as I can tell they are working pretty well for me.

Ages ago, as many of you know, I was put on fluxotine for about six months with NO effect what so ever, so I was pretty desperate you could say.

With this medication I actually had an positive effect the second or third day, which for me is pretty amazing.
And knowing me, I just brushed it off for the reason that I just had a good period of time, so I guess you could say that I was pretty sceptical, because of how my mum and step dad’s acting when there’s talk about medication of any sort.

So after I quit fluxotine, I went a long time with no medication at all, even though I was offered to start on my current one, but I was too insecure and had so much pressure from my mum and such, so I decided not to take up on the offer. But a while later my problems got worse, suicidal thoughts and a very unstable mood and such, I got the offer again, and after a lot of discussion I found out that trying out Zoloft was the best option for me, and I don’t regret it, well not much anyway.

You see, when I’m on Zoloft I feel like I don’t have any problems, mostly.

And surely that would be a good thing, right? Yeah, I wish, but the thing is that if I feel like I dont have any issues, what do I talk about with my therapist about then? I dont want to quit having weekly sessions with her, I dont feel close to ready enough for that at all.

So I somewhat want my issues back so I can work on them, and get rid of them instead of just using the medication and just going on with my life not solving them, and then when I quit using them, it will all come back? Then I’ll be back to where I started, wont I?

You could say that I am a little lost on that matter. Sure I get a break from most of my issues, but for what good? I wont get a chance to work on them if I dont feel like I have them anymore, even though I know better.

I probably should ask my therapist about this on wednesday.

Do any of you have any opinions or something to say on this matter? I’m all ears.

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So terribly insecure.


And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.

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I’m so confused and torn right now.

Long time no see?


I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.

.

Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.

 

What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut

xx

I want to stop, I just don’t know how.


Written 2Pm

Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”,  or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.

I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.

Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.

I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.

In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering  (This is just a random thought) if  I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?

I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.

I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.

The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous.   But that doesn’t stop me either.

I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.

God I feel so guilty, selfish.

Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?

I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s..  I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.

I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?

“Cut deeper, harder, what else are you supposed to do?”

Anything else but that..

Bekka – InsideOut

xx