Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

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What is going on exactly?


It’s been what, three days since I got the disturbing message from my psychiatrist.

And my mood’s has been going haywire ever since. I feel so strange, physically and mentally. I can’t even explain it to myself even if I wanted to. It’s closing in to desperation. I need a distraction that works. Something. Anything really. I am getting more and more desperate.

I’m either really weird, disconnected, nothing feels real, nothing feels familiar. Annoyed, angry, easily so I might add, or I’m crying just out of nowhere. Needless to say that I’m getting very fed up with everything.

I need help, I want help. I need something to get me out of this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Even the idea of meds seem a tiny bit appealing at the moment. Just to get out of this hell. To go back to being me. Everything just feels like it’s hazy, not there. Not really. Not real.

I feel really shaky, even M’s getting affected. She’s a lot more quiet, yet with an overwhelming presence/pressure inside my head. I really do not know what to do. What’s causing this?! I need answers. I need something. Anything.

I feel as if I were alone, all I’d do would be just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, sinking into the hazy nothingness of this nightmare.

Sure I have moments, or hours of clarity, but they’re too far between. They’re not enough.

I need distraction. My blades or a shower apparently. But right now I sadly do not have the energy to do either, nor the strength to even try. 

M keeps showing me the mental images, or emotions of me sobbing violently. She always does that just before a breakdown. But right now I do not think I even have the strength for something like that. Even breathing is draining. Not that I have much choice tho. It’s the body’s natural reflex to start breathing again after a while if you hold your breath.

The promise bothers me a lot. But I need to keep him safe. And just the thought of the fact that I cannot use my blades just makes me feel hopeless. I need relief. What usually works, does not anymore. It’s always like that with me. Something works for a while, then it stops, just as abruptly as it started. Poof, gone.

Why can’t some things just stay as they were. I don’t like changes, in fact, I hate them. Especially so when they’re happening to me, without me even being able to do anything about it.

I feel completely and utterly helpless. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What is happening to me? The fuck is going on exactly?

All I have is a bunch of unanswered questions. No one can really answer them, no one but me. But where do I even begin to search? My head is a sticky mess, nothing makes sense, everything’s jumbled up, yet my head feels empty but at the same time heavy, the only thing’s filling it is M’s presence, perhaps the male one as well, and the strange feeling.

I never feel things in my head, or very seldom would be more precise.

Maybe what I’m feeling is dead?

I NEED A DISTRACTION. Asap. Before I break completely.

I just want to get out of this hell.  Can’t even think straight. All M’s on about is my blades and pills (OD).

Not exactly helpful (But it works..! – M).

I can’t just snap out of this, believe me I’ve tried. I need to get out of this, my boyfriend needs me, but in my current state I can’t even comfort him. Just the thought of speaking is draining.

If this is just a different kind of depression, then I’m fucked. Majorly so.

Someone. Anyone. Please help.

Mood: Desperate.

 

 

Permission?


That’s basically what’s going through my head right now, wanting permission to continue destroying myself. And the only one who could give me that permission, is the one who told me I couldn’t. So it’s quite, or very, unlikely that I’ll ever be granted that permission, ever.

Sure I could just ignore him, and do what I want, but I don’t want to hurt him any more. And I made a promise to him and the alters, one I would be stupid not to keep. I go, he goes. He goes, I go. That’s the pact we’ve made.

I made a deal with two of the alters, mainly “Puppet” and “Concave”.
And before I continue I might as well explain what the hell I’m on about, well;
He’s got nine alters, they take over, so the probability of him suffering from MPD or DID as the newest term for it is, is very likely. It basically means Multiple Personality Disorder. He’s got a split personality, split into ten to be exact.

Keep in mind that not all of them know which gender they are (Except Tim), so by me referring to them as “him” is only temporary, simply because the “Host” is male.

There’s
Ego, very self confident, on the side of those who wants to live. Rarely lets his guard down. Usually easy to talk to. Sarcastic but honest(?)
Life, worries a lot, control is important, very caring and at the same cautious. Really comfortable to be around. Calm.
Persephus,his purpose, according to him, is to protect me, from myself, and the outside world. He’s very caring, attentive, yet he’s very conflicted with himself. He’s trying his best to stay neutral, not allowing himself to smile even though he wants to, there are things he’d like to say, but because he feels that he’s basically failing his “work” if he’s being himself, he’s very back and forth. I’m trying my best to persuade him out of his shell. He loves children. When he stops acting, and lets his guard down, even just a little, he blows you away. (In a good way)
Tim, his female alter. Very hyper, most likely his ADHD. Loves to chat, bisexual, great sense of humour, loves knock knock jokes. Basically best friend material. Straight forward, yet very caring at the same time.
Máni, really relaxed, usually comes out at random, or when there’s a lot of anxious emotions around or inside the “Host” as they like to call him. Basically a stoner slash surfer personality.
Ender, Angry and depressed at the same time. Kind of like a love hate relationship. Seems confused a lot of the time. Wants to die, but at the same time he doesnt want the “host” to die too. Loves and hates everything.
Concave, Basically self hatred, changing his way of acting a lot, unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable if you pay close attention. Acts like a crazy person, but he’s actually quite sane, and intelligent. His smile for the time being sort of reminds me of the Cheshire cat.

alice.wonderland.cheshire-cat-smile.we're all mad here.(eternalthinker.blogspot.com)
Puppet, Depression and self injury. Not much present on the outside any more. Don’t know much about this specific alter yet.
Fox, I am the alpha in his eyes. He’s basically self defense. If he feels cornered, he’ll fight till the death. Quite scary at first, but now he’s as sweet as a puppy. Cautious, kind, loves cuddles, dependent, easily frightened. He suffers from OCD.

So now you know that.

The deal I made with “Puppet” and most of the other alters too, but he was the main one, was to not harm myself, and as long as I keep that promise, they wont hurt him. It’s a way to gain their trust. Difficult as hell, but if it keeps him safe and sound, what other options do I have? Do I really need any other options? I don’t know.
The one “Concave” made with me is a tad more confusing, but it basically is; don’t die, don’t abandon him, don’t harm yourself. Those are the ones I’m aware of anyways, but I’m sure there’ll be more in time. And if I stay clear of those things, he wont hurt or kill the “Host”.

I know it must sound really confusing to everyone else, but to me it makes perfect sense. It feels natural. It feels right.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I just never got around to do so.

But yeah, permission from his side is impossible. “Concave” keeps trying to tell me that if I really want to do it, I can. He thinks that I’ll give in, which means that he can do what he wants to the “Host”. But he needs to learn that I’m not that stupid.

And when I make promises, I keep them.
If it doesn’t feel right to make that promise, you don’t. If it feels right, then make that promise.
It’s as simple as that.

*Sigh* This post may contain triggering content.


Yet again it has been a while since I wrote here, so here I am, trying again.

As usual I don’t know what to write about. Well, I do, but there are not any words that could express it, yet.

I’m feeling so lost, anxious, hopeless, depressed, angry, and even jealous. It’s like a never ending roller coaster. Just a breakdown that’s bound to happen, again and again without fail.  Just like last night..

The day of yesterday was filled with anxiety and depression, perhaps a lot of loneliness too. But in between those moods, I think I was OK, or maybe stable would be a more suitable word for it? 

Everything just broke. Everything was dangerous, frightening, hopeless. Just complete and utter hopelessness. I just broke. Out of nowhere.

I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin his night, to be the bother that I know I am to everyone.

They’ll never admit it, but its what I feel is true. I’m a complete waste of space, in my opinion that is.  Even if were to tell me otherwise, I still would not believe them. My emotions are too strong, too earnest and sincere, too true.

When something feels true, it must be. Right?

But then there’s another thing conflicting with that; The feeling of something not being real, that everything is an act (From your own point of view e.g what you say and do), but you do not have any control over it whatsoever.

I’m having flashbacks, at least half of them I question, are they real memories, or just something my brain created just because it seemed appropriate? I’m jumping back and forth to the conclusion that everything is real, to why does everything feel fake?

As you might be able to tell, I’m a tad, or more like, incredibly confused. So much has happened these last months, and I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m pretty sure you can guess why.

Indeed, it’s because it doesn’t feel real. The emotion I get when thinking back on it (The parts I remember) is that I’m remembering something like a dream, something that has never happened, something that my own mind has created. Something fake

I have absolutely no clue about what to think, or even do about it. If there’s really anything I can do about it, that is.

I know it is real, that it did inf act happen, but yet it feels fake.

It’s like having one of those dreams that feel so real that you wake up really confused and disorientated, wondering for a few minutes, or maybe days, or months (like I do), if it was real or not. Was it a memory of something that has happened, or was it simply just a really realistic dream?

Do you understand my confusion, even just a little bit?

On a completely different matter, yet somehow related, there’s this feeling I have, which I really strongly dislike, hate even, but at the same time I’m dependent on it. Yup, the feeling that I hate, that makes me feel agitated, is being dependent. One of my strongest personality traits. 

My fear of abandonment, its constant, and extremely intense.

Say or do something wrong? THEY’RE LEAVING. They do or say something different, or in a different tone of voice, even when it comes to wording themselves? THEY’RE LEAVING.  And that ladies and gentlemen, is my head, every day.

I don’t want to depend on anyone, but I don’t know how to not either. 

Sure I’m pretty damn dependent, but when it comes to making decisions? I couldn’t even do that even if my own life was depending on it. I don’t trust my own judgement, because so far, my own head has just been trying to destroy me.

I’m longing for something to numb my emotions and empty my head. Relief. And I’m getting quite desperate.

I think I’m about to break again. Bawl my eyes out, and cry myself to sleep.

But this time, I won’t call him. He’s out enjoying himself, I don’t want to ruin that. I’m not going to be the one to bring him down.

He’ll be home on the 17th this month, I’ll just have to get through the days until that.

But I have to admit, I’m exhausted, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I just want it all to be over. My self hatred is over whelming, the same with every other emotion I have. I can’t deal with this much longer. I want out, in one way or the other;

If I cannot have one (suicide), then please let me have the other( Self injury).

.. Please ..

??

 

 

 

 

Disconnected


Im sitting here at the train station, or rather standing, I swap between the two. I’m restless. The train doesn’t leave for about an hour, and it’s completely empty.
I feel like I should write, but as usual, I have no idea what to say.
I feel disconnected from myself, from everything. I get the urge to run away. Run and never look back, just go up in smoke, disappear.
I want to, but I can’t. Why? Because of all my goddamn responsibilities, they keep me going, they keep me alive. For how long, I cannot say.

I need a break from reality, some peace of mind even. A break from being me.

My urges to harm myself have intensified, and so far I’ve only bruised and scratched my skin, but who can say how long it’ll take before I break?
I’m lost, and I don’t care about anything.

Nor do I really care about what I say. Not that I really have any idea what to say either.

Empty, just completely empty.

Flash backs. Content may be triggering


Been having those a lot today.

School bathroom, removing bloody paper towels from my wrist. The wounds sting and the blood dry. The paper is stuck in my cuts.
I harmed myself before college, wrapping my wrist with paper towels so that no one would see the blood seeping through my sleeves.

Flashbacks like these make me think about how things used to be. My Love, hate relationship with my blades.
Mostly love.

How obsessed I really was, and still am.

It makes me think about how easy it would be to start again.
I have my blade still, hidden in a small box in my room. I think about it subconsciously every day.

What’s holding me back?
The number of days that I’ll lose if I start again. And that I would have to hide my body even more again. Paranoia as well.

I feel like I’m here, but I’m not.
I want to slice myself open, but I can’t.

It’s tough. It’s been three years now, but it’s not getting any easier. An addiction is an addiction, you can’t run or hide from it. Even if all you want, need, to do is give in.

My psychiatrist thinks I may have some degree of OCD.

I want to hurt myself.

That’s all I can say right now ..

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What am I even supposed to do?


I have not heard a single word from my supposed coward of a “boyfriend” after he decided he needed a break from us. It’s been two weeks, and I’m feeling more and more alone. I have no one to talk to about it either, no one who would understand. I just feel so complete and utterly alone.

He was my rock, the one I could lean on, and now what do I have? That’s right, nothing, not a damn thing but a shattered heart.
I’m so confused. I met this great guy a few months back, in march I think. I instantly liked him, he was nice and friendly and oh so charming. And I think that I’m starting to fall for him, and it hurts.
We’ve spent time together a lot these last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure I may have already fallen for him a tad, and he feels the same about me.
But I’m scared to open up again to someone, he doesn’t even know about my scars, so I guess that if he ever sees them, he’ll be out the doors immediately.
I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about any if this.
It’s all so new, and it triggers my urges to hurt myself again.
I just do not know what to do, or who to talk to.
It’s all too soon for any of this love(?) stuff yet. I’m not even over my ex(?) yet.

God I think I’ll go mad if this keeps up. Someone put me out of my misery.