M just wont shut up, she’s been going bonkers all effing day. Commenting on this and that, telling me to do random things. Demanding is one word for it.
M, short for Melanie is the name one of the voices inside my head has taken a liking to, so that’s what she goes by. She’s the strongest one. After her is positive, and a male one. Those are quiet and not present 99% of the time.
But back to what I was on about.
It’s strange saying M’s name, or even calling the voice she, but that’s the way she wants it. And I’m slowly giving in to it, after two months of either denying her existence, or calling her “it” or “my head”.
I still have trouble accepting the fact that she’s there, and that she’s not me.
Sure she’s got my voice, just angrier and more annoying. But I can feel the difference between me actually thinking, and her just popping up, non stop.
Quite annoying to say the least. And incredibly difficult to even believe.
I have “filters” as I would like to call them, meaning a block between her and my vocal cords. I can usually choose what to say, very carefully I might add. But sometimes not at all. Or more like quite frequently, like several times a day. Things come out of my mouth, sounding angry, annoyed, hostile even. And I have no idea what I just let come out of my mouth until afterwards.
My “filters” usually come undone completely or half way there. Usually when I’m exhausted, or in a fragile state of mind. Quite a lot of the time.
I may have a week of her being less active, then BOOOM, not getting any peace of mind.
It’s so hard for me to even believe what’s happening, I think I’m still a bit in denial, but trying to work myself through it.
What if I’m just imagining this?
That’s a frequent thought of mine, followed by M’s chuckle.
She’s quite sadistic, doesn’t care about other people’s emotions, wants to do what she wants. The complete opposite of me. Wants me to hurt others, quite cynical(that goes for me too.), manipulative, loves to put others down, blowing their flaws out of porpotion. And she’s got imtense moods wings. She’s like a bipolar with psychopathic tendencies.
She wants to hurt me but she doesn’t, not right away – M.
Oh and she frequently gives me migranes, especially if something someone says sets her off. Either rage, annoyance, even anxiety.
She also gives me these only physical anxiety attacks, my body is shaking and trembling, and she’s screaming about danger. No one can touch me because it’s not safe. Stuff like that.
I’m basically a slave to the voice in my own head.
It’s late, so I’ll try to get some sleep.
Needed to get this out anyways.