Is it really?

Lately I’ve been wondering, or rather maybe realizing that all thats going on with me, the anxiety and depression and such, It’s really all my fault.

I got myself into this mess (not on purpose tho) and by doing that, I’ve hurt all those who love and care about me. It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? That’s at least how I feel about it, selfish.

I guess I’ve blamed my ‘dad’ for it, which isn’t right because It’s I who got myself into this mess. Sure others may have a small part of it, but it’s mostly myself I have to blame.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about it, why It’s so important to have someone to blame, but at the same time I know I can’t, I’m not allowed to blame anyone else for my mess. I’m not sure how to explain it but it’s like I’m not allowed to blame anyone but myself, if that makes any sense that it is.

Another thing is that I’m sort of worried about what’s going to happen on the 26th this month, me and my mum, probably my step dad too, to discuss the medication I’m going to be taking, but that’s not what I’m worried about. The fact that the last time I started taking medication, mum got me admitted to the psych ward for a week, and I asked her about that, if she would do that if there were a minor suicide risk this time as well, and she said maybe, she didn’t know. But I’m worried I’ll end up there again. Sure if she wants me to, and the doctors agree to it, I’ll do it just so she’ll stop worrying, but I’m also worried that it’ll make things worse.

When my new therapist mentioned that I had been a reason to worry my old therapist for quite a while, cause she was afraid I’d kill myself, and that triggered me, because I don’t usually talk about that, it’s scary. Why? Because I know a part of me craves it, but it’s not strong enough to push me into having suicidal thoughts or plans or anything, but it’s still worrying.

Another part of me wants to have me admitted to the ward for a while, to get better, but I know what I’m dealing with isn’t serious enough for that, unless I turn suicidal, which I’m not.

I’m scared of the ward, and I’m scared of the suicidal thoughts or behavior or what to call it. So I guess I’m sort of stuck, just like I’ve been for quite a while.



Figuring it out.

I haven’t been writing here in like forever, but yet, here I am again.

A lot has been going on the past time, like healing, just started TFT (Thought field therapy), quitting my meds, harm free since 28th of October. And Loads of suicidal thoughts.

But I got through it, I’m prepared to fight it. I also found out I have anxiety slash depression, so that explains a lot to me.

This is just kind of like an update, but maybe it’ll turn out to be something completely different when I’m done, you never know with me.

Feeling -> Anxiety -> Defense

What this means is kind of how I work. I have anxiety towards loads of things, but most about my own feelings. As many of you out there who’s following my blog knows, I keep my feelings inside so I don’t have to feel them because it gets too intense. Bad habit I know, now I just have to find out how to stop doing just that. But I’m working on it.

So I get a feeling, but its just a brief second so I don’t really notice it, and that leads to anxiety, and when it’s too intense it leads to my defense which in my case is urges or suicidal thoughts.  That’s pretty much me.

But I’m hoping I won’t be like this forever.

I’ll make it, with treatment and without any medication. I’m nowhere prepared, because the truth is, you can’t. You can’t be ready for everything life throws at you, you just have to deal with it any way you can, or get help from others to deal with it and move on. Sounds pretty easy, but I’m guessing everyone who’s ever had to face an obstacle in life knows it isn’t that easy at all.

But the first step is admitting that you can’t do it alone (if that’s the case) and get help to sort it out, no matter how long it takes.

I’ve been like this for what, four-ish years now, and I’m finally ready to fight it. Well I can never be ready I think, but if I don’t try to change, I never will.

I got the support I need, my boyfriend and my youngest brother and of course the professionals working with me and my twisted mind. But I’ll get there in time, I’m winning this no matter what, because I’m not letting it break me.

A lot of this might not make sense to you out there, because it barely does to me, but that could be because I haven’t written in ages, who knows.

Right now my head’s pretty empty, at the same time it’s so messy and confusing. I get like the start of a thought before another one pops up and pushes the other one away. So if this post is confusing, that’s most likely why.

It’s like I feel like there’s so much I want to say or write about, but everything comes at me at once so I can’t. Another think I’ll have to work on.

But I’m curious tho, who will I be when all this is over?

Am I or aren’t I?

Fine I wanted help, but when I talked to some stranger therapist (mine’s on holiday), she got extremely worried and was nearly convinced I was having it worse that I was, and that I probably was gonna kill myself, even though I told her I wasn’t suicidal, GOD WHY CAN’T THEY EVER LISTEN?!

I’m scared, frustrated, sometimes panicking, I don’t want people to find out that fine I’m sick and tired of living, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve got a plan to where and when to do it, cause I don’t.  Sure I know a few ways of how I coulda done it, but thats’s not the same as having a concrete plan.

The therapist I talked to yesterday(same one), talked to me like I was mentally disabled or what to call it, like I didn’t understand a thing, as I was stupid(?)

Fine I said “I don’t know” and ” I don’t remember” a lot, but just because I don’t know or remember, and telling her I felt like I was being blocked out, she said she might have to evaluate me on Monday, only maybe tough.

I don’t like her.  I mean what person laughs or snorts, or even giggle a little when your trying to tell them whats on your mind?

I’m annoyed, worried, confused, you name it, I don’t know what to believe, am I or aren’t I?  I really can’t tell, and that really sucks cause I’m the only person who could know.

God I really don’t know what to do..

Downhill – 03.03.11

Written; 03.03.2011 at 22 PM.

Everything has been going downhill since last Friday, sort of building up inside of me.

My parents found out, they even saw the picture, and having them talk to me about it was difficult, scary, you name it.

I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t know how, and I know that I wanted them to know, but at that moment when they found out I wished I could just vanish, run away, avoid it the best I could, but if there’s one thing I’m completely certain of, it’s that you can’t run from your problems, because it won’t solve them in any way.

The rest of the weekend went okay, I didn’t really know what to feel or anything, and to be completely honest I’m not sure when I started feeling really down, I don’t remember, yeah feeling down messes with my memory, like its painful, so I sort of block it out without even knowing it.

Either Tuesday or Wednesday it started, from when I wake up, and it sort of builds up, I wake up exhausted, tired, just wanting to sleep, I get more and more down during the day while I’m at college, wanting more and more just to go home, but I know I can’t, I shouldn’t.

The urge to harm myself is strong when I’m feeling down; I even tried to pinch myself to feel something else, but it just made it stronger, like it wasn’t enough.

I’m fighting back, holding on the best I can, but it’s getting harder and harder, I’m recognizing the signs; Easily irritated, losing lack of interest, loss of energy and tired most of the time, and the fact that I can’t even fake that I’m happy or anything, I’m sick of pretending, nor do I really have to energy to do it either.

My mood swings a lot, it’s at its worst at college, I lose all concentration, so I don’t get any work done at all, I just sit there sort of trying to find a song that will take my mind off things, make me feel better, anything really, just to get rid of the sadness.

For some reason the sadness lets go a little when I get home, I’m not sure why, maybe cause I’m alone? I don’t know.

From what I can tell from the signs it looks like I’m falling back into the depression, and that’s the worst thing that could happen, I have to find a way to stop it before it’s too late.

I honestly have no idea if I’m just overreacting or what it is, but I’m worried.

I haven’t harmed since last Friday, because I know it won’t give me the feeling of relief that I so desperately need. Not that I’m complaining, it’s 7 days resisting.

Most of you know that last August I attempted suicide, just out of the blue, thought this is it, I can’t do it anymore, as simple as that. It’s just the feeling of completely giving up, letting everything go, being completely selfish. It made me feel lighter, like I wasn’t going to feel that pain anymore; I felt, relief, peaceful.

I had that feeling today, just for a second, but long enough for me to recognize it, wanting it back. I gave up for a second, but I came to my senses.

I want to be happy, I want to feel relief, I want to feel alive.

Another thing that bothers me is that while I was at college today I did some research for the teachers to think I was working, and found a link with info on depression, so I clicked it, and I found several antidepressants brands, and several of those had warnings saying that if you took too many you could die, they were poisonous in large amounts.

But what I reacted on was that why would anyone give a depressed, or even a suicidal person pills like that when there’s a risk they could overdose on them, wouldn’t you rather take the pills that weren’t dangerous in large amounts?

I don’t know if you see my point, but oh well.

I have a strange habit that when one part of me don’t agree with the other one, it starts emptying my head, making everything messed up, not making sense anymore, and I can’t say I like it.

I emailed my therapist a few hours ago about how I need to talk to her about it, which I have to, even though I’m still wondering if I’m just overreacting. But then again, who knows?

I feel sort of torn, one part of me wishes that the sadness and all those feelings would just vanish by the time I wake up tomorrow, but the other part of me is sort of praying that they will come back again tomorrow, just as strong, because I really need to talk about it, and for that to happen, they need to be there.

If this continues I will have to talk to someone, I might even get my therapist to inform my mum if necessary.

I’m afraid I might be going suicidal again, but it’s too soon to tell, it has only gone one day, but it’s better to talk about it now, than wait and it would probably be worse, right?

I’m just hoping she has the time to talk with me after the meeting with my mum tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.

Bekka – InsideOut