Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

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*Sigh* This post may contain triggering content.


Yet again it has been a while since I wrote here, so here I am, trying again.

As usual I don’t know what to write about. Well, I do, but there are not any words that could express it, yet.

I’m feeling so lost, anxious, hopeless, depressed, angry, and even jealous. It’s like a never ending roller coaster. Just a breakdown that’s bound to happen, again and again without fail.  Just like last night..

The day of yesterday was filled with anxiety and depression, perhaps a lot of loneliness too. But in between those moods, I think I was OK, or maybe stable would be a more suitable word for it? 

Everything just broke. Everything was dangerous, frightening, hopeless. Just complete and utter hopelessness. I just broke. Out of nowhere.

I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin his night, to be the bother that I know I am to everyone.

They’ll never admit it, but its what I feel is true. I’m a complete waste of space, in my opinion that is.  Even if were to tell me otherwise, I still would not believe them. My emotions are too strong, too earnest and sincere, too true.

When something feels true, it must be. Right?

But then there’s another thing conflicting with that; The feeling of something not being real, that everything is an act (From your own point of view e.g what you say and do), but you do not have any control over it whatsoever.

I’m having flashbacks, at least half of them I question, are they real memories, or just something my brain created just because it seemed appropriate? I’m jumping back and forth to the conclusion that everything is real, to why does everything feel fake?

As you might be able to tell, I’m a tad, or more like, incredibly confused. So much has happened these last months, and I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m pretty sure you can guess why.

Indeed, it’s because it doesn’t feel real. The emotion I get when thinking back on it (The parts I remember) is that I’m remembering something like a dream, something that has never happened, something that my own mind has created. Something fake

I have absolutely no clue about what to think, or even do about it. If there’s really anything I can do about it, that is.

I know it is real, that it did inf act happen, but yet it feels fake.

It’s like having one of those dreams that feel so real that you wake up really confused and disorientated, wondering for a few minutes, or maybe days, or months (like I do), if it was real or not. Was it a memory of something that has happened, or was it simply just a really realistic dream?

Do you understand my confusion, even just a little bit?

On a completely different matter, yet somehow related, there’s this feeling I have, which I really strongly dislike, hate even, but at the same time I’m dependent on it. Yup, the feeling that I hate, that makes me feel agitated, is being dependent. One of my strongest personality traits. 

My fear of abandonment, its constant, and extremely intense.

Say or do something wrong? THEY’RE LEAVING. They do or say something different, or in a different tone of voice, even when it comes to wording themselves? THEY’RE LEAVING.  And that ladies and gentlemen, is my head, every day.

I don’t want to depend on anyone, but I don’t know how to not either. 

Sure I’m pretty damn dependent, but when it comes to making decisions? I couldn’t even do that even if my own life was depending on it. I don’t trust my own judgement, because so far, my own head has just been trying to destroy me.

I’m longing for something to numb my emotions and empty my head. Relief. And I’m getting quite desperate.

I think I’m about to break again. Bawl my eyes out, and cry myself to sleep.

But this time, I won’t call him. He’s out enjoying himself, I don’t want to ruin that. I’m not going to be the one to bring him down.

He’ll be home on the 17th this month, I’ll just have to get through the days until that.

But I have to admit, I’m exhausted, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I just want it all to be over. My self hatred is over whelming, the same with every other emotion I have. I can’t deal with this much longer. I want out, in one way or the other;

If I cannot have one (suicide), then please let me have the other( Self injury).

.. Please ..

??

 

 

 

 

Just, walk it off


The one thing I dislike the strongest, even hates is to feel sad, like everything’s wrong, or something, but you can’t figure out exactly what.

So I’ve figured out that going for a walk helps to clear your head, you might not figure out what cause the sudden mood change, but you lose your odd mood.  I ended up feeling very empty, but that’s better than being depressed, right?

It’s like you feel so lousy, don’t know what to do, can’t decide even the simplest thing.

While I was walking my head got more and more messed up, my negative thoughts got worse, I felt like I was about to cry any second, but then it turned and well slowly my mood passed.  So it has to get worse before it gets better.

But say that it’s late at night and there’s no one I can talk to about what my problem may be, or someone to cheer me up and too late to go for a walk, then what? What if the only way to get rid of my sadness and the ache inside is to hurt myself? What if I can’t resist?  I know It’s not possible for me to sleep when I’m feeling that way, even though I eventually pass out two hours before I’m supposed to get up, and that’s not really that good either.

I just need a third option to handle it when it comes, something that will work when neither of the other options works, without turning to medicine and pills.

I don’t wanna turn to the razor every time none of the other options work. And I’d love to say that I’m over that, but that would be a lie.

This time I walked my mood off, the question is, will I be able to do that the next time, and if I don’t then what?

I’ve started reading a book called I don’t wanna die, I just can’t live. I read half way through and then I had to stop because it made me so down, and I haven’t picked up that book afterwards.

It’s about a woman that has manic depression, and had struggled with self harm, so it was a kind of diary, but the problem was that I could relate so much to her feelings and thoughts. And I’m starting to wonder if it’s too early for me to read it, to try to understand it, I don’t know.

And every time I’m feeling down I always does research on the internet about depression, self harm, suicide etc etc.  And I have no idea why, all I know is that it’s making the whole thing worse, but I just can’t stop.  I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.

It’s like I’m obsessed with matters like death, depression and suicide, not because I wanna die, even though the negative thoughts makes me believe I want to, and that that’s the only option even though I know it isn’t.

They scare me sometimes, like what if they come on really strong and I just can’t resist?

All I can hope for now is that I get a therapist; my mum’s sending the papers on Monday.

Let’s just hope he or she doesn’t give me up like the other one did.

Just, walk it off.

xx

ShadowLicious