What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?
It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.
I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.
I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.
I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.
Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.
If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.
They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.
When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I. They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that
“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.
But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?
As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?
Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.
Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.
Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
M just wont shut up, she’s been going bonkers all effing day. Commenting on this and that, telling me to do random things. Demanding is one word for it.
M, short for Melanie is the name one of the voices inside my head has taken a liking to, so that’s what she goes by. She’s the strongest one. After her is positive, and a male one. Those are quiet and not present 99% of the time.
But back to what I was on about.
It’s strange saying M’s name, or even calling the voice she, but that’s the way she wants it. And I’m slowly giving in to it, after two months of either denying her existence, or calling her “it” or “my head”.
I still have trouble accepting the fact that she’s there, and that she’s not me.
Sure she’s got my voice, just angrier and more annoying. But I can feel the difference between me actually thinking, and her just popping up, non stop.
Quite annoying to say the least. And incredibly difficult to even believe.
I have “filters” as I would like to call them, meaning a block between her and my vocal cords. I can usually choose what to say, very carefully I might add. But sometimes not at all. Or more like quite frequently, like several times a day. Things come out of my mouth, sounding angry, annoyed, hostile even. And I have no idea what I just let come out of my mouth until afterwards.
My “filters” usually come undone completely or half way there. Usually when I’m exhausted, or in a fragile state of mind. Quite a lot of the time.
I may have a week of her being less active, then BOOOM, not getting any peace of mind.
It’s so hard for me to even believe what’s happening, I think I’m still a bit in denial, but trying to work myself through it.
What if I’m just imagining this?
That’s a frequent thought of mine, followed by M’s chuckle.
She’s quite sadistic, doesn’t care about other people’s emotions, wants to do what she wants. The complete opposite of me. Wants me to hurt others, quite cynical(that goes for me too.), manipulative, loves to put others down, blowing their flaws out of porpotion. And she’s got imtense moods wings. She’s like a bipolar with psychopathic tendencies.
She wants to hurt me but she doesn’t, not right away – M.
Oh and she frequently gives me migranes, especially if something someone says sets her off. Either rage, annoyance, even anxiety.
She also gives me these only physical anxiety attacks, my body is shaking and trembling, and she’s screaming about danger. No one can touch me because it’s not safe. Stuff like that.
I’m basically a slave to the voice in my own head.
It’s late, so I’ll try to get some sleep.
Needed to get this out anyways.
That’s basically what’s going through my head right now, wanting permission to continue destroying myself. And the only one who could give me that permission, is the one who told me I couldn’t. So it’s quite, or very, unlikely that I’ll ever be granted that permission, ever.
Sure I could just ignore him, and do what I want, but I don’t want to hurt him any more. And I made a promise to him and the alters, one I would be stupid not to keep. I go, he goes. He goes, I go. That’s the pact we’ve made.
I made a deal with two of the alters, mainly “Puppet” and “Concave”.
And before I continue I might as well explain what the hell I’m on about, well;
He’s got nine alters, they take over, so the probability of him suffering from MPD or DID as the newest term for it is, is very likely. It basically means Multiple Personality Disorder. He’s got a split personality, split into ten to be exact.
Keep in mind that not all of them know which gender they are (Except Tim), so by me referring to them as “him” is only temporary, simply because the “Host” is male.
Ego, very self confident, on the side of those who wants to live. Rarely lets his guard down. Usually easy to talk to. Sarcastic but honest(?)
Life, worries a lot, control is important, very caring and at the same cautious. Really comfortable to be around. Calm.
Persephus,his purpose, according to him, is to protect me, from myself, and the outside world. He’s very caring, attentive, yet he’s very conflicted with himself. He’s trying his best to stay neutral, not allowing himself to smile even though he wants to, there are things he’d like to say, but because he feels that he’s basically failing his “work” if he’s being himself, he’s very back and forth. I’m trying my best to persuade him out of his shell. He loves children. When he stops acting, and lets his guard down, even just a little, he blows you away. (In a good way)
Tim, his female alter. Very hyper, most likely his ADHD. Loves to chat, bisexual, great sense of humour, loves knock knock jokes. Basically best friend material. Straight forward, yet very caring at the same time.
Máni, really relaxed, usually comes out at random, or when there’s a lot of anxious emotions around or inside the “Host” as they like to call him. Basically a stoner slash surfer personality.
Ender, Angry and depressed at the same time. Kind of like a love hate relationship. Seems confused a lot of the time. Wants to die, but at the same time he doesnt want the “host” to die too. Loves and hates everything.
Concave, Basically self hatred, changing his way of acting a lot, unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable if you pay close attention. Acts like a crazy person, but he’s actually quite sane, and intelligent. His smile for the time being sort of reminds me of the Cheshire cat.
Puppet, Depression and self injury. Not much present on the outside any more. Don’t know much about this specific alter yet.
Fox, I am the alpha in his eyes. He’s basically self defense. If he feels cornered, he’ll fight till the death. Quite scary at first, but now he’s as sweet as a puppy. Cautious, kind, loves cuddles, dependent, easily frightened. He suffers from OCD.
So now you know that.
The deal I made with “Puppet” and most of the other alters too, but he was the main one, was to not harm myself, and as long as I keep that promise, they wont hurt him. It’s a way to gain their trust. Difficult as hell, but if it keeps him safe and sound, what other options do I have? Do I really need any other options? I don’t know.
The one “Concave” made with me is a tad more confusing, but it basically is; don’t die, don’t abandon him, don’t harm yourself. Those are the ones I’m aware of anyways, but I’m sure there’ll be more in time. And if I stay clear of those things, he wont hurt or kill the “Host”.
I know it must sound really confusing to everyone else, but to me it makes perfect sense. It feels natural. It feels right.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I just never got around to do so.
But yeah, permission from his side is impossible. “Concave” keeps trying to tell me that if I really want to do it, I can. He thinks that I’ll give in, which means that he can do what he wants to the “Host”. But he needs to learn that I’m not that stupid.
And when I make promises, I keep them.
If it doesn’t feel right to make that promise, you don’t. If it feels right, then make that promise.
It’s as simple as that.