Permission?


That’s basically what’s going through my head right now, wanting permission to continue destroying myself. And the only one who could give me that permission, is the one who told me I couldn’t. So it’s quite, or very, unlikely that I’ll ever be granted that permission, ever.

Sure I could just ignore him, and do what I want, but I don’t want to hurt him any more. And I made a promise to him and the alters, one I would be stupid not to keep. I go, he goes. He goes, I go. That’s the pact we’ve made.

I made a deal with two of the alters, mainly “Puppet” and “Concave”.
And before I continue I might as well explain what the hell I’m on about, well;
He’s got nine alters, they take over, so the probability of him suffering from MPD or DID as the newest term for it is, is very likely. It basically means Multiple Personality Disorder. He’s got a split personality, split into ten to be exact.

Keep in mind that not all of them know which gender they are (Except Tim), so by me referring to them as “him” is only temporary, simply because the “Host” is male.

There’s
Ego, very self confident, on the side of those who wants to live. Rarely lets his guard down. Usually easy to talk to. Sarcastic but honest(?)
Life, worries a lot, control is important, very caring and at the same cautious. Really comfortable to be around. Calm.
Persephus,his purpose, according to him, is to protect me, from myself, and the outside world. He’s very caring, attentive, yet he’s very conflicted with himself. He’s trying his best to stay neutral, not allowing himself to smile even though he wants to, there are things he’d like to say, but because he feels that he’s basically failing his “work” if he’s being himself, he’s very back and forth. I’m trying my best to persuade him out of his shell. He loves children. When he stops acting, and lets his guard down, even just a little, he blows you away. (In a good way)
Tim, his female alter. Very hyper, most likely his ADHD. Loves to chat, bisexual, great sense of humour, loves knock knock jokes. Basically best friend material. Straight forward, yet very caring at the same time.
Máni, really relaxed, usually comes out at random, or when there’s a lot of anxious emotions around or inside the “Host” as they like to call him. Basically a stoner slash surfer personality.
Ender, Angry and depressed at the same time. Kind of like a love hate relationship. Seems confused a lot of the time. Wants to die, but at the same time he doesnt want the “host” to die too. Loves and hates everything.
Concave, Basically self hatred, changing his way of acting a lot, unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable if you pay close attention. Acts like a crazy person, but he’s actually quite sane, and intelligent. His smile for the time being sort of reminds me of the Cheshire cat.

alice.wonderland.cheshire-cat-smile.we're all mad here.(eternalthinker.blogspot.com)
Puppet, Depression and self injury. Not much present on the outside any more. Don’t know much about this specific alter yet.
Fox, I am the alpha in his eyes. He’s basically self defense. If he feels cornered, he’ll fight till the death. Quite scary at first, but now he’s as sweet as a puppy. Cautious, kind, loves cuddles, dependent, easily frightened. He suffers from OCD.

So now you know that.

The deal I made with “Puppet” and most of the other alters too, but he was the main one, was to not harm myself, and as long as I keep that promise, they wont hurt him. It’s a way to gain their trust. Difficult as hell, but if it keeps him safe and sound, what other options do I have? Do I really need any other options? I don’t know.
The one “Concave” made with me is a tad more confusing, but it basically is; don’t die, don’t abandon him, don’t harm yourself. Those are the ones I’m aware of anyways, but I’m sure there’ll be more in time. And if I stay clear of those things, he wont hurt or kill the “Host”.

I know it must sound really confusing to everyone else, but to me it makes perfect sense. It feels natural. It feels right.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I just never got around to do so.

But yeah, permission from his side is impossible. “Concave” keeps trying to tell me that if I really want to do it, I can. He thinks that I’ll give in, which means that he can do what he wants to the “Host”. But he needs to learn that I’m not that stupid.

And when I make promises, I keep them.
If it doesn’t feel right to make that promise, you don’t. If it feels right, then make that promise.
It’s as simple as that.

Advertisements

I don’t even know.


Its been a very difficult couple of weeks. Filled with doubt, anxiety and sadness.

I dont even really know how to put my feelings into words at the moment either, but at the same time I feel the need to write. So I suppose you could say that I’m pretty stuck.

It feels like there’s a raging tornado of feelings inside me, and it triggers my need to harm myself, and my anxiety.

My head is a complete mess.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now;

– I cannot cook because it triggers my anxiety, I dread crossing the road if I see a car about 80 feet away from me.  

And loads more, but I have yet to make sense of them all. But the main thing I “feel” in my head is emotions. It sounds strange, but at the same time, its very true.

I’m just a confused mess at the moment. Nothing makes sense, and I’m tempted to seek relief in my blades just to make all this confusion and gibberish go away. I want my mind to be clear and stop running around the bush a hundred times before anything makes sense. I’m exhausted.

Another thing that triggers my anxiety is if I have two things to do at the same day. Doesnt matter if it is at different times, it still stresses me out beyond belief.  Like tomorrow I have a session with my therapist at 10 am, and work at 4 pm. And my mind wont stop worrying about it. Trying to talk me into skipping the session so I dont have to deal with everything. I just want to run away, to escape. Get away from everything, especially my thoughts, and just be happy. But I suppose that’s not happening any time soon, aye?

I sleep most of my days away. Sleep is my only escape at the moment, so I try to sleep as much as I possibly can. Dreading to get out of bed to face the world.

I have this sinking feeling inside, just wanting to give up or pick up my blades again. Anything to get away from this mess. I am completely and utterly fed up. Its so exhausting.

 

Hello?


Yeah, It’s me again.

I haven’t written in ages, because honestly, I’m not sure what to write about. I’m always worried that my mind will get messed up again, and again, and yet again. Just like it always does when I try to write, at least when it’s sort of personal that is.

I always feel like I’m not good enough, just when I was self harming, the cuts got deep and wide, but yet, I had this idea inside my head that it wasn’t good enough, they weren’t good enough. They were OK if I could see the flesh and if they were wide. But still they were not even close to good enough. Insane, I know, but that’s how my mind worked, and still does.

I am today three months and eight days harm free. And honestly, it haven’t really been that difficult to not do it, but these last days, even this last week, have been somewhat difficult. I’m swinging between anger and sadness, followed by numbness. And I, who does not handle feeling emotions very well, find it very difficult.

I feel like my mind has control, but that I am not in control of it, if that makes any sense? Like if I step on the scales, and I have gained weight, I am devastated, and my mind goes on and on about losing weight, even starving, and when people try to help by giving me advice on how to lose weight, all I hear is protests, because they mention food, eating more often, eating more. I know that they are trying to help because they are worried, but it’s difficult when my mind does not seem to cooperate.

One part of my mind goes on about losing weight (not all the time), and the other one goes on about how I can’t do it, there’s no point because I won’t make it anyways, and things like that.

I know I should stay away from the scales, but I can’t. I want to feel good about myself, and the only time I do, is simply when I’ve lost weight.

My head is always a mess, I know the difference between the “sick” thoughts, and the healthy ones, the “normal” ones, but yet, why do I believe the “sick” ones over the healthy ones? Why do they make more sense to me? For now, I do not know why, but I hope it will be the other way around some day.

I find it very strange, and a little worrying that my own mind is working against my “recovery”, even though I do not really have anything to recover from, do I?

I know I have issues with things, others would call it problems, but I cannot see it as problems. Why? Because they are not serious enough to be considered as problems to me. I simply cannot accept that I have a problem, if I do.

There’s probably a lot more to say about this, but it’s all I got a hold of for the time being.

xx

Hmmm


It’s rather strange to think about; well not really for me though, but if people knew what went on in my head, I guess they would find it strange, maybe even worrisome.

Having thoughts, seeing short clips inside your head of yourself losing control, even though I don’t think it has ever happened. Slamming my wrists, my head, into things, walls, corners, hoping to inflict damage on myself, to lose control and just go for it, not just imagine it.  But, I don’t know, maybe it just isn’t me? Or is it because I’m too worried about the others around me? Maybe that’s why I don’t do it?

I imagine ways to kill myself, or to harm myself. Like how to bring loads of pills into the psych ward, or even razors for that matter. I think it through.

And I guess to me, this isn’t strange at all. But I know very well, that it should be.

When it comes to food, I certainly do not want to lose control, I want to eat less and less. I even have thoughts about how I want to be just skin and bones, even though I know it’s not very nice to look at or anything. I’m not even sure why I have thoughts like that sometimes, because, oh well I don’t know that either.

I guess that strange has become what’s “normal” to me.

It’s like I have all these sentences and words floating inside my head, but I can’t grasp them. I know they’re there, but I can’t put them into words. I guess it’s more sort of a feeling, mixed up with some words, floating around in there.

Sometimes I can grab a hold of something; sometimes the whole sentence or the whole thing, and some times, I can only get a part of it, or nothing at all.

I’ve struggled mentally for some years now, and I notice that if I get ill, like get a cold or the flu or what it is, everything gets harder to handle. Cause then I have the mental things, which is all in my head, and a physical thing added to it. And it’s really tough.

I’ve been sort of numb for days now, but luckily not the bad kind, just calm numbness; I’ve just not felt anything. It’s just like the only thing I do is exist. And for a change, I want to feel something.

Sadly the only way I know how is to harm myself.

When I think of my mind, the first thing that comes to mind is disorted, yeah I’m not sure how to spell it either. It’s messed up, piles of words and memories, flashbacks and wishes, and you name it, basically everywhere. Again, the only way I know how to get some clarity is to cut, to feel the relief. And just like a puzzle, every piece falls back into place.  Soon enough to be messed up again, but for some reason it seems to be worth it, strange isn’t it?

I’ve been clean since 28th of October, and I don’t really think much of it, nor am I proud. I just don’t care I guess.

I know I shouldn’t slip up, because then I’ll feel bad, and maybe a little paranoid, keep wondering who knows, if anyone knows, and to keep pulling my clothes down, where I did the damage.

Another thing that bothers me, well sort of, is to make decisions concerning others, like if I’m eating with someone and they ask me what we should eat, either pizza or Chinese, I just can’t decide. I couldn’t care less about what I want, as long as I don’t pick the wrong option for the person involved.

It probably didn’t make much sense either, but that’s my heads speciality, to not make anything make sense.

It’s all inside my head.


That’s basically where all the shit starts, in your own mind, created by yourself. But we’re just merely humans, and I guess we’re just supposed to be that complicated?

I have been told numerous of times exactly that ” it’s all in your head”.  And I can’t deny the fact that it’s true. But it’s something each and every one of us has to find out how to work on, to figure out the triggers, what you’re afraid of and what, and all the other things that come with that, and in the end, you get to the cause of the problem, maybe even the main problem as well.

No, it’s not easy at all, but for us to be able to move on, we have to do so. It’s hard, exhausting, might bring you on the edge, you want to give up, but you can’t. You know why? Because then all your efforts and progress will be for nothing.

I think I’m one of many who wish they could just open their mind and grab a problem, instead of using ages to find it, find the cause, or what it is you do. Grabbing a problem, and looking into it, like a  book.

But sadly life isn’t like that, and so far as we know, we humans don’t work like that.

Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and who knows what. It’s all in your head. 

I, myself react very strongly to this phrase, it makes me, angry? Annoyed? I’m not sure, but it brings out feelings in me, even though I know that it’s true, I still have my mind struggling to accept it(?)

Our minds are a strange place, it’s endless, you can lose yourself in it, get stuck, drown in confusion or who knows what. But I guess that’s what makes us humans, humans.

It’s strange how I’ve managed to somehow convince myself that I am not in control of my own mind, my own feelings, because, my mind, my feelings, are me.  But it doesn’t feel like it. And that’s probably because I’ve told myself that I don’t have control, for so long.

Tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start to believe it.

Yeah, another look inside my mind and my thoughts. It probably doesn’t make much sense, not even to me, I think.

Oh well, it’s better to write about what’s on my mind at this second, than to write nothing at all.

Figuring it out.


I haven’t been writing here in like forever, but yet, here I am again.

A lot has been going on the past time, like healing, just started TFT (Thought field therapy), quitting my meds, harm free since 28th of October. And Loads of suicidal thoughts.

But I got through it, I’m prepared to fight it. I also found out I have anxiety slash depression, so that explains a lot to me.

This is just kind of like an update, but maybe it’ll turn out to be something completely different when I’m done, you never know with me.

Feeling -> Anxiety -> Defense

What this means is kind of how I work. I have anxiety towards loads of things, but most about my own feelings. As many of you out there who’s following my blog knows, I keep my feelings inside so I don’t have to feel them because it gets too intense. Bad habit I know, now I just have to find out how to stop doing just that. But I’m working on it.

So I get a feeling, but its just a brief second so I don’t really notice it, and that leads to anxiety, and when it’s too intense it leads to my defense which in my case is urges or suicidal thoughts.  That’s pretty much me.

But I’m hoping I won’t be like this forever.

I’ll make it, with treatment and without any medication. I’m nowhere prepared, because the truth is, you can’t. You can’t be ready for everything life throws at you, you just have to deal with it any way you can, or get help from others to deal with it and move on. Sounds pretty easy, but I’m guessing everyone who’s ever had to face an obstacle in life knows it isn’t that easy at all.

But the first step is admitting that you can’t do it alone (if that’s the case) and get help to sort it out, no matter how long it takes.

I’ve been like this for what, four-ish years now, and I’m finally ready to fight it. Well I can never be ready I think, but if I don’t try to change, I never will.

I got the support I need, my boyfriend and my youngest brother and of course the professionals working with me and my twisted mind. But I’ll get there in time, I’m winning this no matter what, because I’m not letting it break me.

A lot of this might not make sense to you out there, because it barely does to me, but that could be because I haven’t written in ages, who knows.

Right now my head’s pretty empty, at the same time it’s so messy and confusing. I get like the start of a thought before another one pops up and pushes the other one away. So if this post is confusing, that’s most likely why.

It’s like I feel like there’s so much I want to say or write about, but everything comes at me at once so I can’t. Another think I’ll have to work on.

But I’m curious tho, who will I be when all this is over?

Hopeless?


One thing is important to remember, things doesn’t stop happening just because someone stopped talking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just open up, like a book, show people how I feel, let all my feelings out. But at the same time it doesn’t feel right, but I wish I could.

I mean, how can you just randomly tell someone in your family that you’ve harmed yourself, that you’re sad, tired of it all, I mean, I can’t, it just doesn’t feel right, especially when I’ve got so much practice pretending that everything’s fine.

They expect you to, but they don’t realize just how difficult it is, it’s like turning your insides out, you feel vulnerable.

It’s like you’re being judged, not by words, but by the way they’re looking at you, and I know I shouldn’t care about that, but I can’t help it.

I mean, for humans it comes natural to judge others, that’s just how we are, but for me the judging makes it almost impossible for me to open up to the ones close to me, like my family.

Like last time when my mum found out last year, it was like she had decided to not understand, she didn’t want to understand. Made up her own reasons, and even when she asked me and I tried to answer she cut me off and made up her own.

So I guess that where I got the idea of that no one will understand, because they aren’t me, and that I’m not able to explain properly.  Just like my thoughts and feelings don’t wanna cooperate. Like sometimes my thoughts tell my feelings what to feel, and sometimes I just feel things, and I have no clue why or anything, like a lightning from a blue sky.

On good days I almost don’t feel at all, my thoughts have decided to only let happy feelings pass through the gate and up to the surface, and lock the other ones up.

I sort of forget all my problems and everything bad for a while, and I like it, but I know that it always comes back some time.

And right now I feel like there really aren’t a way out of this, that no one can help me out of it, and I started feeling like that after the last session with my therapist, because she didn’t understand, and then who can?

To be honest I’m not sure exactly what she didn’t understand, but that was the feeling that nearly knocked me off my feet.

I don’t know what to do at the moment, I really want to believe that everything will be okay, believe that she does understand and is capable of helping me through all of this, but right now, it isn’t looking too bright.

Fireflight – All I need to be.

I’m so negative right now, god knows I am, but for some reason it feels right, familiar, and even though it hurts, it feels like this is who I’m supposed to be.

But I really don’t want to be that person, not now, not two years ago, and not in a year from now.

“Everything’s distant
And I don’t know what to believe
It’s so hard,
Lost in the world’s confusion.”

– Jamestown Story, Goodbye (I’m sorry)

.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx