So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Advertisements

I hear voices, so I must be crazy.. Right?


I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.

Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.

If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.

They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.

When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I.  They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that

“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.

But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?

As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?

Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.

Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.

Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Psychosis?


Yesterday I was told that they’re pretty certain that I have a psychosis.  But then again, what exactly does that mean?

I’m out of the POP project (Prevention of psychosis), and being put into a project called TIPS, which is basically for treating psychosis in the early stages. Oh, and I’m yet again going to have a new therapist, which will be my number six in about what, seven years(?)

They keep bouncing me back and forth between therapists and projects. This time I’m being transferred to a new department where they’re supposedly more qualified with dealing with psychosis. Imagine having a department just for that.

So I’m a bit lost, or a lot. I don’t understand anything. What’s going on?!

Sure M is mostly in control, giving me quite strong urges to do the things she says, and sometimes making me almost doing them without even saying anything. I’ve had to stop my own arm quite a few times, almost punching my boyfriend in the face, throwing stuff at him. Things like that. Just out of nowhere. M wants to hurt him, but I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why.

Why cannot at least one thing in my life make sense? I’m fed up feeling like this. What on earth is going on with me.. ?

Can someone please explain it to me, plain and simple, what the hell is a psychosis??

I’ve been told the basic stuff, but I cannot even begin to understand it, not even a little bit. It’s so frustrating.

It’s pouring down outside. Quite distracting I might add. Yet kind of soothing, just listening to the rain outside. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind. Oh what I’d give for just a glimpse of that emotion.

It’s getting heavier, stirring a feeling of uneasiness inside. Chaos. Dread is what comes to mind this time.

Is it my thoughts, or M’s? Is she even there, or have I imagined it all?

My emotions say otherwise. They say that its, she’s, definitely real. But then again, even they waver at times when this question pops up. Which is quite frequently I might add.

And then there’s E, or Emily, previously known as the positive one. I think that’s her name. That’s what pops up right after I’ve referred to her in my thoughts or out loud. Two female, one negative M, one positive, E. And then there’s the male one. Don’t know much about him. He’s chaotic, and rarely present, that’s pretty much all I know.

My mind is a haze, a puddle of confusion and uncertainty. Nothing makes sense, and it’s giving me a head ache.

I’m laying here with the feeling that I’m writing a story, but it’s not mine. It’s not made up, it is indeed very, very real.

But then again, it’s all in my head, right?

I want to know all I can about psychosis, and I’m trying, it’s just that none of it makes any sense whatsoever.

So please, if there’s anyone out there who knows anything, please tell me.

Mood: Desperate for answers.

 

Please give me a moment of silence..


M just wont shut up, she’s been going bonkers all effing day. Commenting on this and that, telling me to do random things. Demanding is one word for it.

M, short for Melanie is the name one of the voices inside my head has taken a liking to, so that’s what she goes by. She’s the strongest one. After her is positive, and a male one. Those are quiet and not present 99% of the time.

But back to what I was on about.
It’s strange saying M’s name, or even calling the voice she, but that’s the way she wants it. And I’m slowly giving in to it, after two months of either denying her existence, or calling her “it” or “my head”.
I still have trouble accepting the fact that she’s there, and that she’s not me.

Sure she’s got my voice, just angrier and more annoying. But I can feel the difference between me actually thinking, and her just popping up, non stop.

Quite annoying to say the least. And incredibly difficult to even believe.

I have “filters” as I would like to call them, meaning a block between her and my vocal cords. I can usually choose what to say, very carefully I might add. But sometimes not at all. Or more like quite frequently, like several times a day. Things come out of my mouth, sounding angry, annoyed, hostile even. And I have no idea what I just let come out of my mouth until afterwards.
My “filters” usually come undone completely or half way there. Usually when I’m exhausted, or in a fragile state of mind. Quite a lot of the time.

I may have a week of her being less active, then BOOOM, not getting any peace of mind.

It’s so hard for me to even believe what’s happening, I think I’m still a bit in denial, but trying to work myself through it.

What if I’m just imagining this?
That’s a frequent thought of mine, followed by M’s chuckle.

She’s quite sadistic, doesn’t care about other people’s emotions, wants to do what she wants. The complete opposite of me. Wants me to hurt others, quite cynical(that goes for me too.), manipulative, loves to put others down, blowing their flaws out of porpotion. And she’s got imtense moods wings. She’s like a bipolar with psychopathic tendencies.
She wants to hurt me but she doesn’t, not right away – M.
Oh and she frequently gives me migranes, especially if something someone says sets her off. Either rage, annoyance, even anxiety.
She also gives me these only physical anxiety attacks, my body is shaking and trembling, and she’s screaming about danger. No one can touch me because it’s not safe. Stuff like that.

I’m basically a slave to the voice in my own head.

It’s late, so I’ll try to get some sleep.
Needed to get this out anyways.
Goodnight