Am I falling in Love, or fooling myself?
Day four off my meds, apparently I am more uneasy and worried about stuff without it.
I don’t want to fall in Love, or maybe it’s too late?
I don’t want it, don’t need it.
I’m fine on my own, right?
I’m getting attached, and that’s exactly what I did not want. I want to go back to not giving a damn about anything, just doing what I want without a second thought.
How did he change that ? Why did he change that? When ?
I don’t want to need anyone.
He doesn’t even know who I really am.
Or maybe he does ?
There’s so much that I do not know.
Like how he’s able to make me smile and laugh without even trying.
Or is he trying?
He doesn’t even have my complete trust. Or does he?
I know nothing anymore.
Have nothing in particular to say, yet words keep flowing, questions keep rising.
Maybe this is how I really want to write, lost, yet still knowing where I am.
Maybe I’m better when I’m off my meds? Or maybe I’m just slowly getting worse?
If I take my meds, I’ll give my body a shock, and my mind a breakdown. Do I really want that to happen again? I think not.
My blade is always with me, and each time I use it, on my nails or to open things, it feels like it’s getting sharper, yet more taunting.
A promise of destruction, red, wide, open.
I’m sure you know what I’m referring to.
If not, you are one of the lucky ones, and I hope you’ll stay like that.
My arms are scarred, and so is my thigh. There are even scars under my tattoo, but I’m the only one who knows.
Bruising and dragging my nails violently over my own skin, in a desperate hope to slice it open.
Yet A part if me hopes that I’ll fail. That part is getting smaller, fading away.
I want it, but I don’t, yet I still do.
Is it still about relief, or is it just about destruction now? I myself do not know.
Maybe it is me who is fading away, slowly, little by little.(?)
Another mindless ramble, feelings disconnected, lost.
Maybe I write better this way, maybe people understand me more now?
But that’s not something I can say wih certainty, because I do not stand on the outside, looking in. I’m in the middle of it, trying desperately to get a glimpse of the outside. To reconnect myself to the world.
So maybe you’ll see me, looking back at you, as you squint your eyes, trying to get a look at the small glimpse I’m trying to show you of my world.
Maybe does it make more sense to you than it does so me right now.
I just feel like a blur, floating around, not sure about anything.
It occurs to me that I in fact, know nothing at all.