It’s over, I’m done

I’m so sick of feeling the guilt every time I hurt myself, I dissapoint myself in every way when I do it, so why do I keep doing it?

Well i don’t know, but I know that it ends here, I’m done with hurting myself, I’ll put all of me together to resist it, I’m so much better off without. Yeah it’s a moment’s release when i do it, but there’s gotta be other ways to deal with it besides that, a way to handle it when im alone and the urge sets in.

I’m lucky to have a person that supports me and talks me through it, makes me forget, but I can’t always depend on him. I wish i could, but it wouldn’t be right towards him, or towards me. I’ve gotta learn to deal with it, because what happens when I’m alone, no one there i can count on, talk to about it.

I have a hard time trusting people, and with good reasons. I trust him with my life because he stood by me and never left my side, no matter how bad it got, or how scared and confused I was, he accepted it as a part of me, not all of me. And he told me that no matter how many scars I got, or whatever, he wouldn’t see or think of me differently, and that alone meant the world to me.

I can’t even count all the times i’ve shed a tear or two about what he’s said, not because I’m sad, but because I’m happy, because I realize how fucking lucky I am to have him in my life.

I hate making people worried about me, especially him, so I’m gonna give it all I’ve got, I’ll stop. I’ll find a way, what ever it takes. I’m done with hurting others and myself with what I do.

I know that no matter what I do or what decition I make, it always, always affects others in my life, the people I care about.  And the thought of hurting them is too much for me to take. I don’t wanna hurt them anymore, they deserve better.

A friend of mine who’s struggled with the same issue, told me that I had to find a reason worth quitting, and I think i just found it. And if you don’t get what i mean then it doesn’t matter, because I do, and that’s all that matters.

My loved ones deserve better, so I’ll be the best that I can be, not just for them, but also for myself.

I’ll find another way, make myself stronger with resisting temptation, the urge to do what I know is so wrong.

I’ll let it fall, once and for all

xx

This is me

InsideOut