My head’s a mess, and honestly? My head isn’t doing much better.
Healing fucking hurts.
It feels like someone has ripped off every single scab and band aid I’ve ever had, all at once.
Raw, painful, vulnerable, bloody, open.
I either do too little, or I go way overboard, leaving no stone unturned.
Needless to say, I run straight into a wall at some point, I’m pretty sure it’s on purpose now, my years of living in chaos, the yelling, throwing, anger, walking on eggshells. I’ve grown accustomed to living in chaos, hell, I thrive in it.
Oh how I wish it wasn’t so. I am exhausted, done, poofed.
Yet somehow, I manage to keep going. I’m still standing.
It’s like someone has glued metal poles on my legs, up along my back, to make sure that no matter what, I keep on going where I’m going.
I guess that’s what trauma is.
Trauma makes you scared of what happens if you don’t keep going, because that’s exactly what trauma is, the fear of the consequence of what will happen if you don’t do what’s expected of you.
I want to lay down, I want to stop, to relax and just be. But the truth is, I simply do not know how; and even if I did, would I dare?
I’m still struggling with everyday stuff, cleaning, hygiene, eating, sleep. I always have. So much that I don’t notice it anymore, until it gets worse. That usually means that I’m going downhill again.
I always crash at some point, always. Cronic depression, dystimia they call it.
My oldest just got diagnosed with ADHD, and I guess I already knew he had it, but the fact that there’s something “wrong” with him, that I can’t fix, was hard to hear, a shock perhaps. But I must say, it did explain a lot, getting it verified.
It’s been a very busy year, a lot of stuff happening, perhaps too much.
I’m nearly finished with my license, school is almost finished for now, braces are on, looking for a car, finally got some help for my oldest, cut out the rest of my family, protecting my peace and my kids.
November and December are always difficult, my birthday month and a major family holiday. It makes me feel very alone, unwanted and unlovable.
I’m not tho, even though it’s been ingrained in me since I was a child.
I have friends, my two boys, my cat, and myself. That is enough, it has to be. It will be.
Not having family that wants to love you, and be there will always be difficult, and feel like a gaping hole, but I know that that hole is better than the alternative of chasing someone who doesn’t know how to love you back.
Another one of my vices. Chasing the people I care about, to make sure they love me, that they’re not mad at me, that they’re not leaving.
New connections? I catch myself attempting to do the same thing. That is a no go.
I do not need to beg for love. I am enough, and I will repeat it to myself until it makes sense, until it rings true.
Nevertheless, family sucks.
You might not believe it, but I had no clue what to write today, but the incessant sound of the clacking of a keyboard wouldn’t go away until I started typing.
I do think better with a keyboard, strangely enough. The chaos slowly comes together, word by word. My thoughts suddenly make more sense, and my head is calmer once more.
I have the need to hide away in a pair of strong, safe and welcoming arms, someone to calm my storm. I do not have such a thing, all I have is me, and the cat.
I cannot run to someone else every time something is difficult. I haven’t really done that tho, but I know that if I start, I will lose myself again.
Balance, that’s what I need, but have no idea how to achieve.
It seems oh so easy, yet to me it feels unobtainable.
If you haven’t guessed already, I also think that there’s a chance I have ADHD too, on top of my possible CPTSD, dystimia and generalized anxiety disorder. Yikes
It would explain a lot though, maybe it would be the missing piece they could never find? A what to the why?
I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, so much that I just sit back down and start scrolling. It doesn’t require any planning or effort or thinking. I’m not lazy, just living in constant sensory overload. There’s a difference.
I just need a fucking break. Please?